Homophobe Forgets to Check Academic Calendar

By By Elvis Faucett

By Elvis Faucett

Carrying their message of hate all the way from Kansas, a group of protesters hit the University of Utah Oct. 5. Their brains didn?t make the trip.

World renowned homophobe Fred Phelps came with his crew of quasi-clergy to sharply criticize U President Bernie Machen, whom Phelps claims lets gays and lesbians run the school under the guise of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union.

Phelps, obviously quite familiar with the workings of a college campus, correctly figured out that a small but vibrant student group has not only the clout but the time to run a $1 billion enterprise and get good grades, all while totally going against the ?plan of God.?

With colorful messages that included the use of stick figures and a wide variety of slurs, about 15 protesters sat on the edge of campus.

They sat by their lonesome most of the time.

Coming to Utah to protest The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints and its ?fag church? ways, Phelps wanted to make a pit stop at the U. He forgot to check the academic calendar.

Fall break fell nicely into the time slot Phelps requested. While he denounced the U?s evil use of unholy practices such as tolerance and diversity, U students were taking two glorious days off to relax and recoup for the second half of the semester.

?Really, some nut job was protesting on campus?? said U student Ralph Schwartz. ?Wow, I bet that was one effective protests. Did he go protest at BYU on Sunday or say maybe the deserts of central Utah afterward??

Latter-Day Saints Institute of Religion Director Paul Browning was taken aback when he heard that Phelps was protesting the LDS Church for supporting gays and lesbians.

?I don?t think Mr. Phelps has a strong grasp on our faith. While we frown on walking around with a large sign that says ?God Laughs When Fags Die,? I would hardly categorize the Mormon faith as ?fag-friendly?,? Browning said.

The few people who did happen by the protest either ignored it or said they found nothing wrong with LGSU running their educations.

?Look at this nice uniform they picked out for us,? said Ute quarterback Lance Rice. ?We should have put these people in power years ago.?

Machen was unavailable for comment as he has taken the rest of the year off to ride around on his new Harley while the U?s gay and lesbian population try to balance the budget.

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