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The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Cure for Road Wrath Found

By Ryan Walker

Driver ire may have initially caused Murray resident Trevor Jones to provoke a diverse collection of drivers to follow his beat-up 1973 Ford pickup truck for hours around the city?s surface streets and I-15 last Friday afternoon. Trevor?s ultimate motivation and final destination remained a mystery for hours, but in the end, it somehow made perfect sense.

Things started to roll at approximately 1:12 p.m. in the parking lot of Smiths in Midvale. Steven Cringer, a 22-year-old University of Utah student, was cut off by the stop-sign-running Jones when he tried to turn left to reach the exit on 7200 South in his Fresh Values-filled 1995 Honda CRX.

?I gave him a little toot, just to let him know, ya know? The moment I honked, I noticed the stickers on his rear window; ?Just Do Me,? ?Fear This,? and, of course, Calvin taking a leak on the Chevy logo. By then it was too late,? said Cringer.

He told reporters that Jones yelled out, ?Follow me!? combining the verbal command with the standardized international sign for ?Follow me??a quick, circular motion of the left arm, elbow planted firmly on the window frame bottom, with the palm of the hand facing forward.

?I wasn?t sure at first what would happen to me when we got where Trevor was going?I mean, he was so intent I follow him?I thought, this has gotta be pretty important.?

After Cringer took the first spot in line, Jones? air of importance led to an unleashing of fury on the freeway, severe sass on the overpass, indiscretions at multiple intersections, and one disturbingly offbeat on-ramp rant (the two male motorists were compared to two ambiguously gay Muppets who share the same bed on Sesame Street). All parties involved were asked to join the parade.

With his Natty-Lite-induced sneer and piercing glare, Jones gathered behind his primer-patched tailgate 12 cars, four trucks, two mountain bikes, one Honda Spree scooter, one Flex Trans UTA bus and 12-year-old inline skater Timmy Finn, with his golden retriever Pog pulling him along by his leash.

The string of vehicles and their drivers ranged from 72-year-old Draper senior Jesse Conlan, who owns a 2000 Cadillac Seville, to 17-year-old Brighton High School junior Stephanie Lancaster, who drove her 1996 Nissan Sentra to the chosen mystery location.

Both were in the middle of important Zions Bank transactions when they heard a drawling, impatient shout behind them. Thoughts of withdrawals and transactions had to be left behind as they took the eighth and ninth spots, respectively.

Near the end of the journey, Jones had created what bystander Jerkins Malloy described as ?a veritable automotive conga-line.? He caught the cavalcade downtown when its route ran past B.C. Chicken at the corner of 400 South and State Street.

Malloy also compared the procession to the 1978 Kris Kristofferson 18-wheeler event film, ?Convoy,? co-starring Ali Macgraw and Ernest Borgnine. The mega-blockbuster was based on the country hit by artist C.W. McCall, also named ?Convoy.? Unavoidably, its harmony was hummed, and its chorus sung chant-style by several drivers involved in the incident, as well as many witnesses.

The convoy ended after a bewildering, four-hour voyage. It was discovered later that the path was chosen according to Jones? regularly scheduled Friday errands. They included: deposit of biweekly paycheck from Jiffy Lube, purchase of MacBrautwurst von Klausburger from the drive-thru and a mad dash between six different dry cleaners in a fruitless search for his wife?s duvet cover and down comforter.

A simple call from his cell phone remedied that situation.

In the end, everyone ended up at his apartment back in Murray and had the opportunity to meet his lovely wife Jill and his son Willy Squire. It seems that the whole debacle was the third step required of members of Road Rage Anonymous, which requires recovering members to purge as much anger as possible in one long drive.

Jones? therapy seemed to have worked. When he parked and stepped out of his truck, he politely asked everyone in for a cold beverage and a chance to watch his copy of ?Braveheart? on VHS.

A few of the weary travelers stayed, but almost everyone had to get back to where they once belonged.

Steven Cringer decided to stay, despite being the first included in the Road Rage athon.

He commented, ?I was going to go home, but ?Braveheart? is one of those few films I feel deserved Best Picture in the last 10 years. Plus, I love when Mel Gibson goes all crazy-violent and shit.?

[email protected]

Editor?s Note: The Comical is a totally satirical Web feature. Please don?t sue. For more RED Herrings see

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