Pot Will Improve Your Life

By Panda McCann, Comical Opinion Columnist

Ladies and gentleman, I have a recommendation for you: Start smoking pot. It will make your life so much better.

First of all, you will become a better driver. When you get high, you get paranoid. This causes you to drive very slowly and to obey all traffic laws. Or at least you will attempt to do so. Just don?t try getting on the freeway.

Pot is also good for your finances. You will spend approximately one-third as much money doing laundry as you did before you began smoking pot regularly. You will not go through bars of soap nearly as quickly as you did before becoming a pothead. And you will certainly not waste money on frivolous things like haircuts and shaving cream.

However, you may have to budget a little extra money for toilet paper. Of course, this is not a bad thing because everyone knows that most great ideas are hatched by people sitting on the crapper.

You will also save money by becoming a less-finicky eater. When you get high, you will begin craving delicious bargains like the $1.49 triple cheeseburger at Burger King and the 99 cent junior bacon cheeseburger at Wendy?s. You will no longer insist on paying top dollar for fresh produce at the supermarket. Your new eating habits?the willingness to consume anything that is deep-fried and within reach?will make your pocketbook happy.

?But what about the nutritional value of this food?? you ask. After all, you can?t expect to remain healthy on a diet of burgers alone. Well don?t worry. Cereal is very good for you, and smoking pot also encourages the consumption of large bowls of cereal. Not only is it relatively inexpensive, but cereal is also absolutely packed with vitamins and minerals. And it can also be fun to eat?you will suddenly find Cap?n Crunch and Count Chocula to be excellent meals.

What?s more, smoking lots of pot will make you smarter. I know potheads who are among the smartest people I?ve ever met.

?How is that possible?? you ask. Well, you will suddenly find yourself glued to the television set, watching Animal Planet and other educational channels. You can learn a ton by simply sitting still and listening. And smoking pot will make you much more inclined to do just this.

Your appreciation for animals will increase beyond simply watching nature shows. One of the most fun activities is to turn off all the lights in your house, except the one behind the goldfish aquarium. Then you can amuse yourself for hours by watching these creatures swim around. But it?s only fun if you are high.

Smoking pot is also a good lifestyle choice because you will surely get plenty of rest. No longer will you painfully drag yourself out of bed with the alarm clock blaring at 7:00 a.m. Instead, you will learn to sleep through your alarm, or perhaps not even set it. Think how much better the world will seem after a good night?s sleep.

And your days will be so much less stressful. You won?t be as concerned about getting places on time, keeping a well groomed appearance or even showing up for work.

Just think about all the great people you will emulate. Tom Petty is a renowned pot smoker. Yet he is most famous for his excellent song writing and guitar-playing. (I wouldn?t necessarily say the same about his singing). Why do you think Tom Petty is such a good musician? Well, nobody is born that way. It took years of pot smoking to make him what he is today.

Come to think of it, most great musicians are potheads. That?s all the more reason to purchase a bong and some hash.

And what about athletes? Just look at Jennifer Capriati. Once upon a time, she was an overachieving teenage brat who couldn?t win the big one on the tennis court. Then she started smoking pot. Some suggest this lead to her demise. Hardly! Capriati recently won Wimbledon. Why do you think that is? I?ll give you a hint: It?s because she started smoking pot!

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle?s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don?t call your lawyer. Thanks.