Ralph Schwartz, Private Eye, Is on the Case

By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief

John McNut had his bike stolen from outside his apartment at Heritage Commons this Saturday?for the third time. The first two times, he just went through the University of Utah Police Department for help.

?But after three times, it becomes apparent that the police are helpless in these matters,? said the student studying ballet.

While the police might be helpless, McNut knows that students are not. He went to visit Ralph Schwartz.

Schwartz believes that every small town needs a protector, someone to make sure that peace reigns and villains are run out on a rail. Well, Heritage Commons is no different. With more than 2,000 students calling the residence halls their home, Heritage Commons is larger than many Utah towns.

At least one student is tired of the thefts, vandalism, sexual assaults and illegal use of alcohol in the once quite area he called home.

He is fed up with the crime and he will not sit idly by while criminals could lurk behind every corner.

Schwartz is taking a stand, a stand against petty crime, a stand for his fellow students.

?No more will criminals get off unpunished,? Schwartz told his fellow students as he stood on a table in the Heritage Center computer lab. ?If you ever need assistance call my dorm room and Ralph will be there.?

Schwartz is the residence halls? first private eye, and quickly he has built a following.

Schwartz gets visits by students such as McNut at least three times a day. They are looking for help, looking for someone to listen and looking to get justice without having to pay a fortune. Schwartz works for free.

?This is not about money, it is about public safety. It is about making every student feel secure in this haven of intellectual prowess,? Schwartz said with his hands firmly pressed against his hips and his head tilted toward the sky.

Schwartz has operated his private-eye business for the last two months with stunning results.

?Since I have been on the scene, vandalism is down 0.8 percent, and bike thefts have decreased by a whopping 1.2 percent,? he said.

While he has yet to actually solve a case, Schwartz believes his name recognition has resulted in would-be criminals thinking twice before spray painting the bathrooms or streaking down the women?s hallways.

To make sure such criminals know he is on the case, Schwartz always walks around Heritage Commons in his ?trench coat of terror.?

?Batman had his cowl, I have a trench coat. They both fill the same function,? said the student now in his sixth year studying gerontology.

While he takes tremendous pleasure from protecting his fellow students, Schwartz can?t help but take advantage of the recognition it affords him.

His current girlfriend, Dolores Billingsworth, first met Schwartz when she was running from an angry roommate.

?How would I know that she would get upset if I borrowed her car? Luckily, Ralphie was here to save me,? Billingsworth said as she gave her squeeze a squeeze.

Schwartz held off the roommate until she calmed down. He even convinced her that calling the police wouldn?t help.

?I am all the protection she needed,? Schwartz said.

Not everyone enjoys seeing the amateur private eye on the scene.

?He is always peaking into our windows, and when I call him on it, he says he is just monitoring the area for criminals,? said Bambi Jones, a U cheerleader.

In his own defense Schwartz said, ?A private detective has to take extreme measures sometimes to ensure the safety of the masses.?

Schwartz roommate, Jonah Dukes, said he tries to stay as far away from his apartment as possible.

?I don?t come home until way late because I don?t want to be seen with that dork masquerading as a superhero,? he said.

Whether people like him or hate him, Schwartz said he will not go anywhere, not until ?truth, justice and the university way? put a stranglehold on the evil students who lurk in the dark corners of the U?s dorms.

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle?s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don?t call your lawyer. Thanks.