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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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U Leases Engineering Lot to God

By Hadassa McTwitt, Comical News Lady

On Oct. 8, the University of Utah?s Parking and Transportation Services leased the north end of the engineering parking lot to an unidentified party. Oct. 9, The Daily Utah Comical investigated the occurrence and found that God signed the lease.

“Well, we?ve tried everything to make parking better,” said Amla Allgreen, director of parking services, “We leased a lot more spaces to the SLOC, but God offered us a better deal.”

When asked what that deal was, Allgreen shook his head, “I dunno. He did say he?d save me from this parking hell I?m in charge of. Oooh, but what really sealed the deal is he promised to play golf with me on Friday.”

God?s group arrived on Wednesday under the cloak of yellow and white striped tents, trailers and several trucks. God, Himself, was not on the premise. Sources tell The Comical he was busy solving the low-wage problem at the U and sent his lower-level associate angels to coordinate a parking miracle.

“Dude, the U has really been touched by an angel,” said student Hugo Schwartz. Schwartz, dizzied by a 17 mile walk to the U commented that, “I really don?t mind walking this far. I couldn?t have found a parking space anyway. Yeah, I love to walk that far. It?s good exercise. Yeah that?s it.” Schwartz then wandered off in the direction of the Union.

The group of three angels acting as leads in the project are planning to fix the parking problem within the span of one week. The heavenly posse even has a script prepared and will be rehearsing over the course of the week.

“Borrowing” the script from the group was not an easy task. While attempting to gain access into the taped off parking area in order to interview the angels, several local newspaper reporters were severely beaten, not touched, by a security angel.

However, a reporter from The Daily Universe was touched by an anvil dropped by one of the three angels, Stoned Andowney, from the roof of her trailer. Brigham Young officials had no comment.

However, in a written statement, The Daily Universe?s editor-in-chief, Lehi Jensen, wrote: “Oh my heck. Those darn angels are freaking crazy. Fudge them. If I could drive up there right now, I would bring a —— and shove ——————————and– ———————————— ————bats—————— brass knuckles—————— ——–.

Due to the editorial supervision at The Daily Universe, The Comical could not interpret the remainder of the document. However, Comical employees came to the consensus that they had never seen that much white out before?ever.

The Comical finally obtained the scripts by sneaking into the trailer of Andowney after reporters from The Deserted News broke down the door with a battling ram.

However, Andowney appeared to be passed out on the floor of the trailer, surrounded by several dozen bottles of a substance labeled, “Jack Daniels.” The unconscious angel?s eyebrows twitched as she occasionally yelled, “Get me my Haggus, you lazy American bastards.”

During the course of the midnight visit, reporters rummaged through the trailer?s contents, searching for the plan to save the U from its parking crisis. Under a large ziploc bag of what appeared to be all the marshmallow shamrocks taken from a box of Lucky Charms, a reporter from The Pepper Pond Tribune discovered the script, titled, “Park Your Soul in My Lot.”

U President Bernie Machen, enthusiastic about taking credit for the parking saviors? arrival, wrote himself into the script and is consequently playing one of the lead roles, indicated by his character?s name?Reilly Niceguy, Man Who Saves The Day.

Though The Comical had very little time to skim the report, Machen?s stage directions include, “cry loudly,” and “ask for your mommy,” as well as “pocket the money” and “exit quickly.”

On Oct. 12 The Comical finally gained direct access to the heavenly visitors. Dressed in the uniform of Chartwells catering, a Comical reporter served unidentified expensive brown slop to the cluster of hungry angels. Several minutes into the serving process, one angel pointed and screamed, “You?re too tall to serve food. Get off our holy parking land!”

After several hours of deep contemplation on how to gain re-entry, The Comical sent the same reporter back to the scene. Walking on her knees, she snuck on to the set as “Elvis Faucett-midget extra #3.”

After gaining access into the parking area, The Comical reporter discovered the angels gnawing on hard slices of what the caterers called “dessert bread.”

The only male angel assigned to the parking project argued with another, more coherent angel, Stella Reeze, while Andowney was taking a nap, face down, in her Chartwell?s catered slop.

The male angel, while pointing vigorously at the food and the Chartwells van, shrieked, “I told you Lucifer was still running his side business. I told you so!”

No new developments have emerged over the weekend.

In an unrelated interview, Machen was asked what he thought about God signing the U?s parking lease, Machen leaned back in his chair and said, “Yep. As usual, I did a damn fine job. But maybe next time I?ll write my full name.”

When asked what that full name was, Machen arched his wiry eyebrows, fidgeted with the keys to his Harley and bolted out the door yelling, “For me to know and you to find out!”

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle?s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don?t call your lawyer. Thanks.

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