Lying in my small twin-size bed, I stared at the old Utah Jazz posters that adorn my wall. Mark Eaton towered over a thin Karl Malone, Thurl Baliey stood over then starting point guard Rickey Green. But really I wasn?t looking at them, more looking through them.

The time between when I hit the sheets and when I actually fell asleep was when I would philosophize about the meaning of the world, the differences between good and bad and why the Jazz would most definitely win the championship this year.

But this night I turned my thoughts to an even more important topic: Does God exist?

My family is not particularly religious, I had yet to attend an organized church service, but most of my friends did.

I heard about the Son of God, Heaven and Hell and sin, but only between building my tree house and playing basketball.

I feared death. I feared the death of a family member, and I had no idea what would happen when I closed my eyes for the last time.

I tried to think rationally.

Hey, why shouldn?t there be a God? An all powerful being that created the Earth, the stars, my mom and dad, my school and even my video games. Someone had to do it right? Someone had to send all of this science into motion, create the first atom, the first rock, the first lump of space.

Makes sense to me.

Wait a minute. Who says it is just one all-powerful person? Yeah, how about a committee of people? Old guys with long beards and women with silver hair and thick eye shadow sitting around a table deciding the fate of the world. Maybe they were voted in by the angels, my uncle among them. Maybe my uncle is on the committee that decides which college I will get into, whether America will win the Persian Gulf War and what happens to those poor baby seals.

Sounds good to me. The democratic system works here, why doesn?t it work in Heaven?

I stared through my Jazz posters, my hands resting comfortably on my chest and my mind exploring the depths of Heaven. In this state, I played a little point counterpoint.

Didn?t I just randomly make up the democratic system of Gods? There are no holy books that make reference to the Almighty Committee. No big churches are organized around the idea.

Well, someone had to come up with all of those other religions, so why don?t you just start your own?

I don?t think religion is supposed to work that way. When you don?t have a religion, you don?t just start your own. Why don?t you join an existing church?

Well, I?I don?t know. I guess because I think they are about as arbitrary as the Almighty Committee. I mean, I am a good person now. Why would sitting quietly in a shirt and tie while adults explain how God is cool make me any better? How do I know God even exists? I guess I will just keep thinking about it, but I am not going to get rid of the Almighty Committee idea, I like that.

For that night, my religious philosophizing came to an end. I fell asleep and the next day I didn?t think about it when I went to Ms. Tolpinrude?s class.

For most of my life I haven?t thought about my own religious beliefs, then I dated one special person.

Because of my wonderful relationship with her, I wanted to know about her faith. I doubt it would surprise anyone if I said she was Mormon. She never pushed me, but supported me when I said I would like to read the Book of Mormon and attend services with her, which I did for a few months.

Through this process of study and contemplation, I once again came to the same conclusion I did lying in my bed staring at my Jazz posters all of those years ago?God could exist, there is nothing that tells me he doesn?t.

But when it came down to it, there was nothing to tell me he does. I wasn?t looking for an obvious sign, I wasn?t asking for my Jazz to win the championship or anything, but never did I have that feeling. That feeling that wells up inside of a person and screams out at them: ?This is a Truth, this is what you have been searching for.?

Oh, I searched for that feeling, and a couple of times I thought I felt it, but really it was only me hoping too much.

So what it comes down to is, I don?t know if God exists. I believe there is something after death, but if push came to shove, I would only shrug my shoulders and say I have no idea what it is.

What I do believe is that whether God exists or not, as long as I strive my best to help those around me, especially my family, then I will get taken care of.

Yet, every once in awhile I still lie in my bed, now upgraded to a queen size, with my hands resting on my chest. I stare at the walls (I am too lazy to hang up any posters) and I think about the creation of the universe. Einstein said that energy never dies. Our thoughts are made from small electrical currents. That?s energy. Hey, maybe there is some sort of afterlife. If there wasn?t, would that be so bad, as long as I do everything I can to put my stamp on the world while I am alive?

I don?t know. I doubt I ever will.

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