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The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Democrats Organize Florida Election Anniversary Protest

By C.J. Michaels, Comical News Writer

As the one-year anniversary of the 2000 presidential election nears, scores of infuriated democrats are preparing to descend on Dade County, Fla., for a rally decrying President George W. Bush’s election victory.

Although “various news outlets have combed through [Florida’s] ballot wreckage&and found no conclusive evidence that the count was wrong,” as Newsweek reported in September, Florida democrats have different ideas.

“We know that Florida democrats were disenfranchised in November,” said Jonathan Rector, one rally organizer. “The butterfly ballot, while used with perfectly normal results in several other places, certainly failed here in Florida. It’s obvious, because Bush won the election.”

Other organizers agreed. “Bush and his nefarious goons have orchestrated a carefully crafted plot to influence the outcome of the election,” said Hillary Jamison-Atkinson, a Dade County democrat. “He did this by running for the presidency, making promises to voters, and then convincing them to vote for him. Somehow, despite the plan’s obvious fraudulence, it worked.”

Rector and Jamison-Atkinson are not the only angry democrats, however. The affair’s organizers have called in an all-star cast to make the event one that Democrats8212;and hopefully Republicans8212;will never forget.

Actor Alec Baldwin has promised to attend, saying he will leave the country if the event isn’t a success. Director Spike Lee will also make an appearance. “Those Republicans have put the ‘dissed’ in disenfranchised, and we’re gonna get the word out.”

Rumors have been circulating that Bill Clinton, Al Gore, Dan Rather and Janet Reno will also be attending the event.

“I’m making signs welcoming Reno,” said Jamison-Atkinson. Her signs, which read “WA-to CO Reno,” will make the former U.S. Attorney General Reno “feel Democrats’ support of her bid for Florida’s governorship,” Jamison Atkinson said. “The signs will also show Florida voters just how much her past decisions qualify her for the position.”

Other signs the organizers plan to use at the rally include phrases such as “Our Bitterness Will Prevail” and “Disenfranchise This.”

Dade County republicans have offered to help with the rally. One official proposed gathering some of the thousands and thousands of voters who correctly filled out the butterfly ballot, in order to provide instructions on its subtle intricacies.

The same official suggested holding an explanatory discussion on the unconstitutionality of the Florida Supreme Court’s decisions, which the U.S. Supreme Court later contested. Dade County Democrats rejected both proposals.

At the rally, Democrats plan to focus on what they considered the main chink in President Bush’s armor: the weak U.S. economy.

“President Bush’s agenda has thrown the gears of the once-cruising economy into neutral, if not reverse,” Rector said. “Sure, some Republicans will tell you Bush’s tax cut isn’t to blame. But any bozo knows that inflated stock prices, cyclical macroeconomic depressions and declining corporate profits have nothing to do with the sluggish economy. That’s just a smokescreen.”

When asked if he was aware that stock prices began declining in February 2000, eight months before the presidential election, Rector said, “Back then, I was interning for Cosmopolitan, so I’m not sure.”

Democrats were also planning on criticizing Bush’s ability as a leader. However, the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks have made this point a tough sell, since the president’s approval ratings have soared since the attacks. “It’s tough criticizing a president with an 80 percent approval rating,” Jamison Atkinson said.

“We do have some new material on the president, however, and it’s great,” she said. “Honestly, I don’t know how our people think up this stuff.”

Jamison-Atkinson said the subject matter includes such Bush criticisms as “how he sometimes mispronounces words, how Dick Cheney is probably making all of the decisions and how they used the death penalty a lot when Bush was governor of Texas.”

“Like I said,” repeated Jamison-Atkinson, “It’s good stuff.”

Both Rector and Jamison Atkinson hope the same will be said of the upcoming election rally.

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.

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