The Bible Says That Guns Are Good

By Moses Heston, Comical Opinion Writer

Niccolo Machiavelli said there are two things a wise ruler must never touch if he wants to avoid incurring the wrath of his people: women and money. To those two, I’d like to add a third: guns.

Firearm possession is a God-given right. The first chapter of Genesis, verse 53 says, “And God gave unto Adam the right to pack heat.” Verse 63 goes on to say, “government thugs shall not restrict this right to hunting rifles, because this right includeth all semi-automatic and some fully-automatic assault rifles, muzzle-loading weapons, handguns, flamethrowers and even concealed weapons.”

God did give Adam a command, however, to use his weapons “in righteousness and not for blowing things up unnecessarily unless those things are Democrats.”

It would seem, however, that University of Utah President Bernie Machen hasn’t studied his scriptures enough lately. In a recent political battle with the state Legislature, Machen has declared he will not allow concealed weapons on campus, despite the orders of the Attorney General.

Obviously, Machen doesn’t realize that God gave man firearms to ensure his dignity, self-respect and ability to vote for ultraconservative third parties.

It’s clear that, like most gun control advocates, Machen has less than wholesome desires in mind. In a statement to the Associated Press last week, Machen said, “I want to take away students’ guns so I can rule the University of Utah like an ironfisted Nazi. I want to take away their freedom and make their lives pain. The chief obstacle to my megalomaniacal aspirations is the Legislature’s meddling with our concealed weapons policy. How can those freedom-loving swine oppose me?”

Though Machen sounds much less threatening than other anti-gun freaks like James Brady and Jimmy Carter, his comments must be taken into careful consideration by students concerned about the president’s blatant power grab.

Guns are a God-given right for which we must fight. But there are other reasons to fight for our gun rights, too.

First, you never know when some crazed loony is going to walk into class and say something like “welfare is good.” This is a serious threat to campus security. News reports about the incidents at Columbine, Sept. 11, and the 1968 Democratic Convention note that many of the terrorists were also welfare supporters. When these kooks walk into class, therefore, we need to be ready to put the fear of truth into them. A couple shots from a 9mm in the kneecaps should help ensure the safety of the university community.

Second, guns are essential to ensuring the masculinity of U students. How can these young men properly call themselves men without a big piece of metal hidden in their pants? If you can’t kill someone at a moment’s notice, you’re just not a man.

Unfortunately, we’ve cultivated an entire generation of pansies who believe in things like law and civil society. These so-called young “men” at the university are completely incapable of defending themselves, their country and their reactionist beliefs.

Since prehistoric times, the ability to gun down your offending neighbor has been a key means of protecting one’s manhood. We should encourage young male students to pack heat in order to ensure they grow up as good, strong men.

Finally, guns must be allowed on campus because Utah is a gun state. Though many out-of-state “liberals” don’t believe so, the pioneers declared Utah a gun state when they first arrived in 1847. In fact, Utah was known as the Territory of Smith & Wesson before it became the Territory of Deseret.

With the Olympics coming soon, the university must send the message that the only thing more important to Utah history than the Mormon church is the Remington rapid-fire 12-gauge shotgun.

Clearly, guns deserve a place on this campus. So I have a little message for President Machen: You’ll take my gun from my cold, dead hands.

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