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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Student Contracts Ebola Virus After Picking up Backpack that Touched the Floor of OSH

Student+Contracts+Ebola+Virus+After+Picking+up+Backpack+that+Touched+the+Floor+of+OSH

By Elvis Faucett, Comical Editor in Chief

The FBI and the CDC have quarantined Orson Spencer Hall after a student contracted the ebola virus.

Political science student Ralph Schwartz inadvertently touched the floor, which is constantly covered in a white powder, as he picked up his backpack.

CDC officials have been flown into Salt Lake City from Atlanta. They believe the powdery substance contains 247 toxins known to do serious damage to the nervous system, the respiratory system and other bodily systems they were too busy to name.

Currently, 300 students and faculty are locked inside the popular classroom building, and families have started to gather outside worried over the fate of their loved ones.

Before health care professionals rushed Schwartz off to University Hospital, Schwartz said “I didn’t mean to touch the floor. I thought I had powdered sugar on my fingers from my donut. Don’t lick the floor. For hell’s sake, don’t lick the floor!”

University Hospital spokesman Reed St. James said that Schwartz is in critical condition. Ebola is a really nasty disease that does bad stuff to the body.

CDC officials have no clue as to what to do next. They have argued amongst themselves over whether to burn the building or send a monkey inside to test the people first.

“Either way, I think those students are all goners,” said George Michael, who is not related to the musician though he does like Michael’s music.

U President Bernie Machen disagrees.

“I have forced students into OSH since I came to the U and not one has died because of all that nasty white stuff,” Machen said. “At least not yet.”

CDC officials promise to stay on the premises until the situation can be resolved.

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.

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