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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Unseasonable Weather a Blessing for the Righteous, a Pox upon the Wicked

By Brother Sallay, Comical Ward Clerk

Since the dawn of time, God has cursed and blessed his people through the immutable power of the weather. Noah enjoyed a tropical cruise in a wash of sinners. Moses made a killing off of bottled water after the town’s entire supply was diluted with blood. And Lot’s family ate like kings the day his wife turned toward Gomorrah.

Clearly, e’en despite the great passage of time, man has still learned nothing in the way of controlling the weather. And never has this been more apparent than this past week, when God rained down on the Utahns and the gentiles alike with bucket after bucket of filthy, dirty snow.

“At first I was like, ‘Yay! Snow in April! Yippie Skippy!,'” local woman Carrie Oldfield said. “But then I stuck out my tongue to eat some of it and it tasted like Alberto’s, so I went inside.”

Other local residents were more mindful of the spiritual ramifications of this past week’s unexpected precipitation.

“I’ve been praying and fasting and obeying all the damn rules nonstop,” local man Mark Hammond said. “Finally all my faith and obedience is paying off. Now I can take that skiing trip that fell through in January.”

“I thought my snow carrot crop was doomed,” local farmer Sam Farmer said.

“But now there’s nothing but green and orange and, well, mostly kind of an off-white as far as the eye can see. Thank you God.”

Local church leaders were quick to comment on this flurrious bounty.

“While the blessings of this April snow are clearly a blessing to the blessed,” Jacob R. Gottlieb, church leader, said, “it is important that the undeserving do not reap the blessings that they do not deserve, frolicking, as it were, in the snow of their betters. Think of it this way: How would you like it if you’d made a hot apple pie for yourself to eat and you’d stuck it out on the window sill to cool off and while it was cooling off it got snowed on, making it really really cool, but then somebody else besides you stole it and ate it? Wouldn’t you want that person to choke on it and die? I sure as hell would.”

Gottlieb’s wish may have come true, as several reckless teenagers were found dead and inebriated in Liberty Park this weekend in positions that would suggest that they were trying to form snow angels. Elsewhere, patrons of Trails and Northern Exposure were forced to slip their entire billfolds in the dancer’s thongs because all their money had frozen together. Worse still, the entire city of West Valley has yet to emerge from the snowy tomb that enveloped it early Wednesday morning. All of the city’s residents are presumed dead.

“Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!” one resident, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “It burns! The snow! It’s killing me! I am dead!”

Ah, stupid heathens. When will they learn?

Disclaimer: The Comical is pure satire and appears at the beginning of every week on The Chronicle’s Web site. Please take the stories as jokes and don’t call your lawyer. Thanks.

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