Hal Elujah
Chronic Sports Writer
Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
In a move that came as no surprise to co-workers and friends, Chronic sports writer Asad Kudiya, 19, became the first person to officially jump on the Marquette bandwagon. While most decided to wait until the end of the game to hop on, Kudiya outsmarted them as he became a “die-hard Golden Eagles fan” at halftime of the team’s Elite 8 meeting with Kentucky.
“I figured as much,” the paper’s assistant news editor and close friend Ali Hasnain said. “He’s such a little boy, I swear to God. I can’t even handle talking to him sometimes.”
Kudiya has been bragging about “my Eagles” for the past two days, going as far as to call Dwayne Wade “the best basketball player in the history of the entire freaking world.”
This continues in what has been a regular trend for Kudiya, who now claims to have been a Marquette fan his whole life. Following the media’s lead, he has gone through countless “favorite players” over the past several months, including Seneca Wallace, Michael Vick, Tracy McGrady, Charles Woodson, Annika Sorenstam, the Anaheim Angels, the Ohio State Buckeyes, Indiana State’s field hockey team and world squash champion (and fellow Pakistanian) Jansher Kahn.
He was also briefly infatuated with Rickey Vaughn and Rocky Balboa, before being notified Charlie Sheen and Sylvester Stallone were merely actors portraying fictional athletes.
“He acts like a f***ing teenager,” Chronic sports editor Rory Brunner said. “He gets a hard-on for every hot new athlete. It drives the rest of us crazy and I just lose my temper on him…although, it’s always fun to beat his little Muslim ass. Good times…”