The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

Write for Us
Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
Print Issues

Chronic Sellout Kudiya First to Jump on Marquette Bandwagon

Hal Elujah

Chronic Sports Writer

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

In a move that came as no surprise to co-workers and friends, Chronic sports writer Asad Kudiya, 19, became the first person to officially jump on the Marquette bandwagon. While most decided to wait until the end of the game to hop on, Kudiya outsmarted them as he became a “die-hard Golden Eagles fan” at halftime of the team’s Elite 8 meeting with Kentucky.

“I figured as much,” the paper’s assistant news editor and close friend Ali Hasnain said. “He’s such a little boy, I swear to God. I can’t even handle talking to him sometimes.”

Kudiya has been bragging about “my Eagles” for the past two days, going as far as to call Dwayne Wade “the best basketball player in the history of the entire freaking world.”

This continues in what has been a regular trend for Kudiya, who now claims to have been a Marquette fan his whole life. Following the media’s lead, he has gone through countless “favorite players” over the past several months, including Seneca Wallace, Michael Vick, Tracy McGrady, Charles Woodson, Annika Sorenstam, the Anaheim Angels, the Ohio State Buckeyes, Indiana State’s field hockey team and world squash champion (and fellow Pakistanian) Jansher Kahn.

He was also briefly infatuated with Rickey Vaughn and Rocky Balboa, before being notified Charlie Sheen and Sylvester Stallone were merely actors portraying fictional athletes.

“He acts like a f***ing teenager,” Chronic sports editor Rory Brunner said. “He gets a hard-on for every hot new athlete. It drives the rest of us crazy and I just lose my temper on him…although, it’s always fun to beat his little Muslim ass. Good times…”

[email protected]

Leave a Comment

Comments (0)

We welcome feedback and dialogue from our community. However, when necessary, The Daily Utah Chronicle reserves the right to remove user comments. Posts may be removed for any of the following reasons: • Comments on a post that do not relate to the subject matter of the story • The use of obscene, threatening, defamatory, or harassing language • Comments advocating illegal activity • Posts violating copyrights or trademarks • Advertisement or promotion of commercial products, services, entities, or individuals • Duplicative comments by the same user. In the case of identical comments only the first submission will be posted. Users who habitually post comments or content that must be removed can be blocked from the comment section.
All The Daily Utah Chronicle Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *