Gun Debaters Gone Wild!!!

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Ined A. Lyfe

Chronic Asst. News Editor

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

U President Bernie Machen was not amused by the recent remarks of Utah State Attorney General Mark Shurtleff-particularly when he accused Machen of being “A b**** ’cause he don’t like guns.”

“Yeah. Is he scared, or something?” said Senate Majority Leader Michael Waddoups, who has sponsored legislation in favor of overturning the U’s no-gun policy.

Machen called a last-minute meeting with Shurtleff and Waddoups at Machen’s residence to “discuss some details pertaining to the concealed weapons on campus debate,” according to U Assistant Vice President Fred Esplin.

However, Machen greeted Shurtleff and Waddoups by promptly bombarding them with a barrage of pillows.

“I told them to stop screwing with me…Now I’ll show them who really has the big guns,” said Machen, flexing his muscles to a crowd of two people, including a Chronic writer and photographer.

The meeting was supposed to be closed-door, but The Chronic sneaked in through an open window.

Nobody seemed to care.

Luckily for Shurtleff, he was packing heat and proceeded to “pull out my gat up in this b****.”

It ended up being a water gun, and only made Machen wet and angrier.

The men-Waddoups and Shurtleff against Machen-began fighting each other with pillows, vowing to only stop if the other side would concede.

Two and a half minutes later, the fighting stopped due to exhaustion.

After a few minutes, the three tried to use diplomacy to further their discussion.

“Why don’t we just allow for the concealment of weapons on campus?” Shurtleff asked.

“Why don’t we just allow for the concealment of your ugly face?” Machen retorted.

Then they fought some more.

Machen, who has been opposed to allowing guns on campus, says that a university is an arena for free speech, and academic freedom would be compromised with guns on campus.

Shurtleff says it doesn’t matter whether you’re on a campus or not.

“If you have a stupid idea, you deserve to be shot,” Shurtleff argued.

Machen was also annoyed by Waddoups’ continuous attempts to pass legislation against the U’s current policy.

“Do you have to be so annoying? Machen asked.

“Yes,” Waddoups replied.

When asked why Machen chose to ambush Shurtleff and Waddoups, Esplin issued the following statement:

“We’re all about non-violence. But we just wanted to end this issue with as much violence as possible,” he said.

The fight ended in a draw.

According to Machen, he would have loved to have really “pulled out a can of whoop-ass” on his opponents.

Unfortunately, U policy doesn’t allow it, he said.

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