Zacharia Abdul Moshe-Schlomi MuhamandChronic Religious Zealot-At-Large
Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
Tahiti is getting nervous and Bali better watch its back. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is looking to occupy a tropical island and, if plans hold, the church’s conversion of Western society may take a drastic leap forward in the coming months.
LDS leaders stated recently that, even with the unveiling of the Navoo Temple and their attempts to purchase much of downtown Salt Lake City, there is not enough “Mormon Land.”
LDS leaders, many of whom are Utah natives, plead their case to the U.S. Senate last week when they asked lawmakers to introduce Puerto Rico as the 51st state.
LDS Church leaders added to the bill an additional requirement-citizens of the 51st state must belong to the LDS faith.
“[Puerto Rico] has been considered as a possible 51st state before,” LDS leader Brigham Jones said. “We feel that the combination of Puerto Rican flamboyancy and Mormon sensibility will yield a highly pleasurable result and we see no reason to not unionize the island.”
While the logic presented by LDS leaders may seem odd to those outside the faith, the reasons for the necessity of a legally LDS state are many, according to Smith.
“First of all, the 3.2 percent alcohol limit on beer in Utah is entirely too high. That lofty percentage is just plain dangerous,” Jones said. “The availability of such potent beer is liable to do to Utahns what absinthe did to Napoleon and Van Gogh, and if we get total control of the 51st state, only O’Douls will be sold.”
Alcohol is not the only point of concern among LDS leaders. Levi Smith, an Area Authority Seventy, says that the availability of R-rated films in Utah is slowly eroding the state’s famed purity.
“There are companies like Clean Flicks and Movie Purifier in Utah, and thank God for them,” Smith said. “Without those bastions of decency, our state would certainly fall victim to the kind of filth that is ruining our nation.”
Smith partially blames Hollywood for the degredation of Utah.
“Anyone who calls ‘Y Tu Mama Tambien’ anything but unabashed pornography is insane,” Smith said.
Possible titles for the 51st state proposed by LDS leaders include “Utahopia,” “I’m OK, You’re OK-ville,” “MO-Town,” and the “Island of Deseret.”
Despite the enticing proposal, U.S. lawmakers are not yet persuaded. Hal Thompson, D-New York, is in favor of the motion, but says that many of his fellow politicians are skeptical.
“The creation of a Mormon state would solve several problems pestering this nation,” Thompson said. “We could develop Utah into what it’s supposed to be-a national playground. We could turn Park City into a rich, drug-induced Switzerland, West Valley into a Polynesian Island-esque resort and Provo into an upper-middle class Germany, complete with free flowing Hefeweisen,” Thompson said.
Even if Thompson’s reasoning isn’t accepted, he says he has an opinion-swaying ace up his sleeve.
“If we give the LDS faith its own island, we could once and for all abolish missionaries via an obscure clause in the state’s constitution…What are those guys trying to prove anyway?” Thompson said.
Although the benefits presented by Thompson are enticing, Sen. Bill Clock, R-Neb., is opposed to the bill for reasons of national comedy.
“The nation must consider the fact that, if we create a proud, Mormon state, there will be no one left to make fun of,” Clock said. “All this talk about political correctness is really killing the humor in this nation. Without Utah, the number of funny jokes decreases by 45 percent, and that’s an official statistic,” Clock said.
Despite the division of support among lawmakers, President Bush is excited about the creation of the 51st state. He feels it will be an effective tool in his war on terrorism.
“If we create this state, I feel confident that there will be no more terrorist attacks on cities of American importance,” Bush said. “[My cabinet] feels that the Island of Deseret will be the prime target of international terrorist aggression. We commend Mormon leaders on their bravery in the face of such blatant and obvious danger.”
After that official statement was released during a press conference, Bush mumbled inaudibly to members of his senior staff something to the effect of, “Damn, this’ll be great…Now my daughters can go get drunk in Utah on real beer.”
The effects of the potential ratification of the LDS proposal may be wider spread than previously imagined. Sandy Bopkins, a spokeswoman for the Mormons for Eventual Overtaking of the World (MEOW) group at the U, says that if the bill is passed and the state is created, U students can expect to see similar actions taken on campus.
“If they Mormonize Puerto Rico, we intend to declare war on the Olpin Union and rename it ‘MEOW Meadows.’ All resistance will be eliminated,” Bobkins said.
In reference to the possibility of an attack on MEOW Meadows by another rival student group, Bopkins says that it’s not really a concern, as they will be heavily armed.
“We fully intend to create a blessed moat, maintain God’s armed forces within the territory and take all measures necessary to ensure liberty and polygamy for all,” Bopkins said.