Local Student Investigates Corn-in-Poop Phenomenon

By , , , and

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Lump E. Pottychunks

Chronic Staff Writer

A Salt Lake high school student is attempting to answer the age-old question: Why does our poop have corn in it?

Indeed, this has been a question that has entered the mind of us all at one point or another, and someone is finally doing something about it. Peter Ventura, 17, of West High School, is the man who could revolutionize the way we think about our poop.

“Well, I was really bored the other day, sitting on the toilet taking a wicked dump,” Ventura said. “I got up and, just as I was about to flush, something small and yellow caught the corner of my eye. I looked down and there it was: a piece of corn. Stuck in the middle of my poop. Of course, this had happened to me plenty of times before. But it really hit me hard this time-why was the corn in the poop? Why didn’t it become poop just like the rest of the food I ate? What was so special about corn that it stood out from all the other poop? These were the questions I asked myself. And I decided I was meant to solve them-I had to solve them. I was there for hours, kneeling over my toilet seat inspecting this new treasure of mine. As it turned out, there wasn’t one, but dozens of pieces of corn that somehow bypassed the digestive process. ‘How could this be?’ I thought to myself. I’ve been wondering about it ever since-what did this corny poop mean?”

Ventura made no secret of his new obsession, which earned him the nickname “Poop-Looker-Atter” among his peers at school.

“Yeah, kids were really mean to him,” said his best friend, Sweaty Fat Kid. “But how can you blame them? What kind of kid studies his poop?”

Regardless of the skeptical feelings of his teenage peers, Ventura’s discoveries may prove crucial to anatomical studies for years to come.

“Poop is important,” Ventura said. “Other people may be embarrassed, but they’ve all had days when they wondered why they had poop with corn in it. Someday, people will say the name Peter Ventura, and they’ll be thankful. They’ll say, once upon a time, corny poop was a mystery to all. And then Peter came along. Now, thanks to this great humanitarian, when I take a poop and there’s corn in it, I’ll know why. Thank you, Peter. Thank you for solving the Mystery of the Corny Stool.”

Thank you, indeed.

[email protected]