Meyer’s Facility Infiltrated by Evil Cougars

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Kruger Goon

Chronic LDS Sports Columnist

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Before really getting a chance to dissect his football team, U coach Urban Meyer has had to keep a watch out at spring practice.

Meyer announced to the media he was responsible for exposing Gary Crowton and his BYU football coaching staff as spies today at the U practice facility.

Meyer discovered Crowton and other BYU coaches spying in the bushes next to the chain-link fence along the practice field with video equipment, official Utah football playbooks and a couple of large pizzas. The coach said he got suspicious when he kept noticing various “blue-clad objects” whispering in the bushes.

“It was distracting me from yelling at the players to keep moving,” Meyer said.

Meyer said he knew something was wrong earlier that day when players reported playbooks missing before practice. Right then, one of the team’s equipment managers told Meyer pizzas were missing from the Utah coaching staff’s personal post-practice stash.

If that wasn’t enough to raise an eyebrow, Meyer pulled out a small piece of paper he had picked up off the grass while the players were warming up. The paper read “LDS Temple Recommend” and had Crowton’s name on it.

As Meyer began to suspect the Cougar spies, he told his team to quietly surround the parameter for an ambush, then he parted the foliage to find Crowton’s crew oblivious to their suspicious predicament.

Meyer ordered the Utes to attack and tie up the perpetrators.

“I guess I underestimated Crowton and some of his scouting tactics,” Meyer said. “But never again will I let my guard down.”

After the Ute staff had secured the area, Meyer had his staff investigate the findings. They found that besides a few pages ripped out of one of the playbooks, the BYU coaching staff got little, if anything, on videotape.

“The idiots left the lens cap on the camera,” Meyer said. “The only damage done was on the pizza, that poor pizza.”

Meyer concluded his remarks to the media by saying the NCAA would thoroughly investigate the case and take appropriate action on the BYU program. Though, the pizza violation could not be rectified.

At press time, neither Crowton nor BYU had released any comments on the incident.

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