Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Editor:

I’m sick of your constant homophobe bashing. I wouldn’t be phobic of homos if they acted like the homosexuals on television.

Why can’t they act hilariously flamboyant, but pleasantly asexual, like on “Will and Grace?”

Sure, Jack might act all “flamey” but I can’t picture him being sodomized. He certainly wouldn’t walk around holding hands with a dude and then get pissed when you call him a flamer. Plus, when the boss lady with the teeth calls “Poodle” a “fairy,” he responds with a crazy wisecrack or a self-effacing quip. He doesn’t report her to the head office and get her fired.

And what’s the deal with lesbians? The “Man Show” and many credible films depict seemingly heterosexual women who dabble in homosexuality for the voyeuristic pleasures of men. Half of the lesbians I meet seem to defy the male standards for femininity. They often cut their hair short and forget about makeup altogether. It’s as if they don’t even care what men think.

Homosexuals need to start acting like real homosexuals and not pretend to be annoying individuals with feelings.

Jared Cummerbund

Junior, Business