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The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Whoa! There’s a War

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Al “my friends call me Benson” K. AidaChronic Staff Writer

According to top U.S. political officials, the United States is at war with Iraq.

In an interview given exclusively to The Chronic, U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald “Let me push the button, sir” Rumsfeld confirmed persistent rumors that, in fact, a U.S.-led coalition has invaded Iraq.

“You’re a dumbass. This war started 13 days ago. Where the hell were you? Do you live under a rock or something? There truly are only two stupid people in the world, and you’re both of them,” Rumsfeld said.

Though he wouldn’t confirm where exactly Iraq was, he did tell The Chronic that American forces are “somewhere in a desert next to Iran and to the south of Turkey.”

Through official White House documents, The Chronic has learned that U.S. officials are calling the military invasion “Operation: Blow Stuff Up.”

Though much of the world has offered its clear opposition to the war in Iraq, it hasn’t stopped France from remaining obstinate brats.

“Near, far, wherever you are, I know that my heart will go on,” said singer Celine Dion, a French-Canadian, which is actually worse than being pure French. According to U.S. and Canadian officials, she also “really sucks.”

“No, we mean seriously. It’s not even funny, dude. She sucks,” said Nunavut Minister of Commerce Yves Hoyden, who prefers club seals to his wife.

Though the military invasion on Iraq was masterminded by the United States, it’s not going into battle by itself.

“We got the Brits to agree to help us, and I spoke to this dude from Australia who said, ‘Don’t worry G, I got your back, dawg,'” said Joint Chiefs of Staff General Richard Myers.

Rumsfeld told The Chronic that a force of 120,000 Marines will be deployed across Iraq, and that President Bush “is cranky again because he isn’t getting any.” Monica Lewinsky wasn’t available to confirm Rumsfeld’s comments, but said in her experience, presidents taste better with a nice port wine.

Despite an exhaustive and comprehensive war plan, President Bush told the country in a televised speech on Thursday that the war may last longer than people expect.

“First of all, it feels good to be the president of Florida. You guys rule. Oh yeah, war…OK, check it. I know many of you are expecting a war of devastatingly short proportions, but I have a lot of experience sentencing people to death, you know…being governor of Texas and all. And it takes about 12 years to kill just one person, so you can imagine how damn long this whole thing’ll take,” Bush said from his bed in the Betty Ford Drug Rehabilitation Center.

Although vehement demonstrations have broken out across the country both in support and against the war, The Chronic doesn’t care.

“Martha Stewart is hot. Have you seen what that broad can do with a napkin? It’s killer sexy, bro. And her cinnamon rolls are to die for,” Chronic toker-in-chief Jeremy Harmon said.

U.S. military officials wouldn’t speculate as to how the war will be fought, but they did promise that innocent civilians would be senselessly slaughtered.

“Death KICKS ASS! Kill! Die! Blood!” said Supreme Commander Tommy Franks from his bunker in Doha, Qatar which for some reason people keep pronouncing as “cutter,” which kind of pisses me off.

Though The Chronic staff is all too blazed to take an interest in world affairs, they do like Funyuns and Mountain Dew.

White House press secretary Ari Fleischer declined to comment when asked, “Who’s hotter, Cameron Diaz or Catherine Zeta-Jones?” but confirmed that Celine Dion still sucks.

At a Pentagon press briefing, Gen. Richard Myers opened the floor to suggestions from the media as to how best to deal with the threat of George Bush…oh crap, I mean Saddam Hussein.

“I’m clueless on this one, people. I know I look pretty in my cute little uniform and coiffed hair, but I don’t know s*** about s***,” he said.

The Chronic suggested replacing bombs with bags of pennies. That way, the impact would be just as damaging and fatal to whomever the bags fell on, but nobody would get killed from fragmentation and then after the war, the country could be rebuilt using hard American currency.

“You’re a bunch of tweaked out stoners…I’ll set you up with the president,” Myers said.

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