Everybody think back to your high school days for a minute, and try to recall the worst teacher you’ve ever had. For me, this teacher was in her mid-50s, didn’t give a damn about anything and stank of stale cigarette smoke to boot. This woman did not belong at the head of a classroom-she was more suited for mindless tasks, not shaping the minds of a town’s youth.
She was a terrible teacher and every parent, administrator and student in town knew it, so I could never understand how she kept her job. Then I found out about tenure. After much consideration, I realized the policy makes sense for teachers, because without it, good teachers would have no job security.
But tenure can be bad in other industries, namely entertainment. If you’re not entertaining, you shouldn’t be an entertainer, bottom line. This is simple logic that everyone can agree on.
There are several highly visible figures in the world of sports that are in direct conflict with this simple rule. Each one presents a unique dilemma: Some are hacks that simply have tenure, while others were once great entertainers whose time has passed them by.
Below is a list of such people and why they should leave the spotlight behind for more modest digs.
1. Linda Cohn
Why is Linda Cohn still mutilating highlights on ESPN? Tenure. I can think of no other reason why ESPN would put her in their highest profile spot.
For those of you who don’t know Linda, she is the lead female anchor on ESPN’s SportsCenter.
While her TelePrompTer reading skills are top-notch, she has a series of shortcomings that surpass her news-reading ability and make you question the intelligence of ESPN’s front office.
When SportsCenter first began, Linda was there, reading the highlights in typical newsreel fashion. But Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann, among others, changed the face of sports TV by adding a humorous slant to the highlights.
Now, SportsCenter anchors have all evolved into newsman/comedian/writer, each with a unique style. Cohn lacks comedic talent and has to borrow her style from the other anchors.
The fact is, she doesn’t pull it off. She is a white, middle-aged mother of two with a healthy income, but she writes her highlight segments like she’s a bad street rapper.
Picture your mother telling you that someone is “off the heezy.” That’s Linda Cohn. She recycles Stuart Scott’s highlight slang from two years ago and regurgitates it in a high-pitched, slightly geriatric tone.
Reading a hockey highlight, she once said, “Stefan Yelle…Holla!” It was a clever play on words with a player’s name, but to hear her say “holla” floored me. I thought I was listening to the background singers in a Montel Jordan video, but no-it was good ol’ Linda.
I enjoyed Cohn’s attempt at “street cred” for about two weeks when I considered it top-notch unintentional comedy, but then it got old.
As Jamal Lewis leaped over a pile of players into the end zone, Cohn quipped “J. Lew…He’s a FLY guy.”
Terrible.
Sidenote: Another way that Cohn botches highlights is by taking a player’s first initial and adding the first syllable of his last name in an attempt to be Chris Berman (J. Lew-Jamal Lewis, K. Mal-Karl Malone, I. Hill-Ike Hilliard, and so on).
Linda has to go.
2. George Steinbrenner
How can a man liked by no one maintain a stranglehold on the most popular franchise in baseball? Tenure? No. An ungodly sum of money? Yes.
Other than making an illegal campaign contribution to Richard Nixon during the Watergate era, Steinbrenner has done nothing illegal (that we know of), but his actions have been far from acceptable.
For example, in 1990, MLB commissioner Fay Vincent banned Steinbrenner from day-to day operations of the New York Yankees after he was caught paying a private detective $40,000 to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield, one of his own players.
The ban was not solely a result of this incident, however. It stemmed from several other whimsical and irrational decisions. The most startling of them all was the first. After purchasing the Yankees in 1973, Steinbrenner promised that he wouldn’t interfere with day-to day operations.
But after finding out that his general manager, Mike Burke, brought fresh flowers for every desk on a daily basis, he immediately fired him. He even cited the flowers as the cause. (He’s a convicted criminal and this proves he’s insane, so does that make him criminally insane?)
Steinbrenner is hated by his players, his coaches, and virtually every other owner/front office man in baseball. You’ve had your fun, Steinbrenner. It’s time to let go.
3. Joe Paterno
I actually feel bad for Paterno because you can watch him lose his mind little by little every Saturday. He’s been at Penn State for a long time and he was a great coach in his prime, but he’s more like the Queen of England than a coach these days.
The problem Paterno presents is that no one can fire him because he’s been there longer than anyone else, and the person who even suggests that Paterno step down will be exiled from Happy Valley immediately.
This case is not as urgent as the previous two, but it is time for Joe Pa to hang up the clipboard for good.
4. Grant Hill
This was another tough one, but I’m not here to tiptoe around nice guys, I’m here to tell the truth.
Grant Hill is done. His ankle is degenerate. It will never get better, only worse. He’s officially not playing this year because his condition is too bad-does anyone think he can come back from that?
The poor guy is just eating up the cap space of the Magic and he hasn’t been on the court for more than half a season at a stretch.
Our Assistant News Editor Adam Benson put it best when he said, “I like Grant Hill-he’s a stand up guy. That is, when he’s actually standing up. Most of the time he’s sitting on the bench with a bag of ice on his ankle.”
Sorry Grant, but it’s time.
That’s all for the first installment of people that need to retire, but this is an ongoing list. Feel free to submit your input on the subject and, if I like it, I’ll be sure to give you due credit.