Come election time, hundreds of student voices are lost in the shuffle of determining student-body winners and losers.
Well, no more.
Here now is a list of candidates receiving write-in votes for the offices of The Associated Students of the University of Utah’s General Assembly, Student Senate and student-body president.
In a closely contested Assembly race, former Iraqi president and despot Saddam Hussein emerged as a dark horse candidate, bringing in seven votes from four different colleges for one of the seats.
Perennial Republican presidential hopeful Bob Dole saw an upturn of Floridian proportions by earning three votes for an assembly seat in the College of Business.
The College of Education mounted its grassroots campaign for would-be candidate Janet Jackson’s Famous Boob a little too late, only bringing one vote to bear on the final poll results.
Students from the College of Engineering endorsed a broad range of candidates. Lenny Kravitz flew away with a vote while Luke Skywalker, Chrony Makesme Sad and Richard Sutton from the Mormon Party each managed to garner two votes of confidence from their peers.
In the College of Humanities, recent Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee Elvis Costello got one vote, alongside everybody’s favorite renally impaired global terrorist, Osama bin Laden.
“That hot girl who sits next to me in biology class” also took home a vote.
Things got more interesting in the College of Social and Behavioral Science, where founding father Benjamin Franklin couldn’t separate himself from the crowd, sharing votes with Melmac native ALF, Cuban leader Fidel Castro and legendary gangsta rapper Yo Momma’s Momma.
Finally, from University College, Jesus Christ nailed down just one vote, while popular Internet Flash cartoon character Strong Bad took home two votes.
Senate races turned out to be just as close.
The College of Humanities sent one vote forward each for Tyler Durden, Martha Stewart and The Man.
In the College of Social and Behavioral Science, U.S. Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., couldn’t set himself apart from Leo Tolstoy and The Chronicle’s own sports editor, Asad Kudiya, who all got a vote.
Political experts agreed that the most fascinating race of the 2004 campaign was waged in the College of Science between senate hopefuls Ben Dover and Hugh Jass.
Though neither came through in the clutch, (one vote each) Dover was able to forge a bipartisan platform with running mate Seymour Butts, which could launch them into leading positions in 2005.
The candidates for senior class president were notably low-key this year, with No Stupid Fratboys/Sorority Girls!, Disband Student Government and Like Anyone Cares all receiving one vote.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair claimed two.
In all seriousness, there’s an Aesop-like moral to this write in story.
Students need to stop complaining about ASUU turning a deaf ear to their concerns while turning out generally useless and immature responses during election week, and start actually voting for meaningful change.
200 write-ins. 200 votes. With so many legitimate candidates working hard to promote student unity, why bother with a wasted vote and a bad sense of humor? If you can’t muster the courage to vote, shut up.
Next time, make your vote count.