Barry Bonds’ alleged steroid use generates widespread criticism, tits

By By Steve

By Steve

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Six-time NL MVP award-winner and San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds will sit out the first three weeks of the major league season recovering from a mammoplasty reduction operation, or breast reduction.

After spending the entire off season defending himself against allegations that he received steroids from BALCO, Bonds finally dropped his defenses on Tuesday in an emotional press conference, where he announced he had sprouted man-breasts.

“I always thought it would be fun to have bosoms, so I could…ya know,” Bonds said. “But these things f****** hurt, man.”

Gynecomastia, commonly known as “bitch tits,” is a side effect of steroid use that results from an altered estrogen-androgen balance.

“I think it’s pretty f****** obvious when I started using steroids. Just look at my baseball cards, for f***’s sake,” Bonds said. “I gained about 60 pounds of muscle over the course of two years. You don’t get that from eating raw eggs. You don’t get a set’a titties, either,” he added.

The surgery is expected to take place this Friday at Paul Golden’s plastic surgery boutique in San Francisco. Golden will be handling the surgery himself.

“I’m very excited to be working with a person of such notoriety, but most of all I’m excited to be working on a man,” Golden said. “I wouldn’t say it’s the first time I’ve worked on a man, but it’s certainly the first time I’ve performed this surgery.”

Despite his relative inexperience, Golden is confident that everything will go smoothly in this simple operation, and that Bonds won’t miss any more time than the natural healing process requires.

“I really don’t know how long the healing process will take. I mean, the guy’s kind of a freak show,” Golden said. “When he came in for a consultation, his breasts were covered with red splotches and bite marks.”

Bonds claims the marks were another unfortunate side effect of long-term steroid use, but his wife was clearly blushing the whole time.

After the surgery, Bonds will auction off the breast tissue in signed canisters and donate the money to BALCO so it can resume research on gynecomastia prevention.

Bonds will resume play against Atlanta on April 26 in Pac Bell Park.

“I dare any mutha-f***** to call me ‘bitch tits,'” Bonds said.

“I f****** double dare you,” he said.

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