Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
The state Capitol was abuzz Thursday after the high-profile civil union between interim U president Lorris Betz and head football coach Urban Meyer.
“It really was just a matter of time. He’s such a hottie and I haven’t felt this way since that time in eighth-grade gym class when I climbed all the way to the top of the rope,” a glowing Betz said in the rotunda Thursday afternoon. Meyer, who was welcomed into the Utah sports community with open arms upon his hiring in December 2002, found similar love from another sort of community following Thursday’s announcement.
“I’m ready to man a float. I’m just so excited I could order a fat-free diet latt!” Meyer told a jubilant crowd.
But not everyone shared the couple’s excitement.
“I’m kinda bummed. I mean, he was an exceptional cook and he did redecorate our living room, but I really didn’t see this one coming,” said Meyer’s wife Shelley.
Though Betz expressed understanding for Shelley’s predicament, he remained implacable in his affection for his new man.
“Don’t hate the playa, hate the gizzame. He’s my ho-cakes now,” he said.
Utah athletics director Chris Hill, who served as Meyer’s best man at the ceremony, said he became aware of the coach’s infatuation with Betz about midway through the season.
“He told me after we beat the San Diego State Aztecs on Oct. 11 that he wanted to take a leave of absence to work some stuff out,” Hill said. “My only concern was that Eric Weddle could maintain his speed off the edge.”
The union was originally going to be held this weekend at Temple Square in conjunction with the young women’s conference, but the logistics didn’t work out.
“When I first heard about that, I was like, ‘Oh my heck! That is so not up to my standards'” said conference goer Lydia Godless. “I realized that even though they don’t mesh with my beliefs, they’re still wrong and going to hell,” she said.
Rep. LaVar Christensen, R Provo, an outspoken opponent of gay marriage during this year’s legislative session, blessed the two newlyweds on the steps of the Capitol Thursday.
“You know, I was just kidding during the session. My people asked me to condemn gay marriage, so I was like, sure. But honestly, my bishop is kinda cute, so you never know what can happen,” he said.
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