Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
It’s time for members of the U’s Greek fraternities to finally show what they are really made of-or at least, what their lunches were made of.
The National Drinking Competition will be held April 2 5 in Miami, Fla., in the fraternity house made famous by the Delta fraternity in the cult classic movie, “Animal House.”
The U’s fraternities have been in preparation for the competition all year long.
“We’re excited and nervous,” said Jack Daniels, a long-time fraternity member. “We know that we’re all hard-core drinkers, but there are some serious alcoholics out there that have us worried. At least the competition will be good.”
Daniels and his fraternity brothers drink regularly, and take it very seriously.
“Alcohol is not a funny matter,” Daniels said. Jim Beam, also a long-time U fraternity member, remembered last year’s competition. “I won the taste-testing competition,” Beam said. “I was able to correctly name 12 different types of beer and eight different types of liquor in one sitting.” Beam admits he didn’t even know he had won until he woke up in the hospital the next morning, recovering from alcohol poisoning, and saw the trophy on the table next to him.
“It was beautiful,” Beam said. Events included at this year’s drinking competition include beer bonging, taste-testing, a beer pong competition, beer Frisbee, and of course, a drunken brawl.
New this year to the competition are the memory game and the ultimate fraternity relay race. The memory game requires participants to wake up in the morning after a night (and probably an afternoon, too) of heavy drinking and see exactly how many of the previous night’s events they can accurately recall.
The relay race is this year’s main event. It consists of many obstacles, including a beer bong, a shots-type obstacle course, a simulated encounter with a police officer and coercion exercises-essentially, seeing just how easily participants can coax themselves into the bed of an inebriated sorority girl.
Greek sororities are also invited, but only if they dress up in scandalous outfits and promise to behave in a fashion that would shock and appall their parents. It has been reported that the Girls Gone Wild camera crew will be present at the event in order to accurately record the ensuing events.
“It will be a good time for us to show the world how talented we really are,” Daniels said. “I mean, everyone always focuses on the good things that we do, like community service and things like that. It’s nice that somebody can just focus on our binge drinking.”
Beam agreed. “I’d like the thank my liver for always being there for me, and my girlfriend for supporting my dreams-peach schnapps, baby, I love you,” Beam said.