Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
I really feel like George W. Bush and I have a lot in common.He likes baseball and I do, too.He’s in the oil industry and I use oil in my car.He sometimes mixes up his words and so does my little brother.Cute.Sometimes I can’t find my keys, just like he can’t seem to find those elusive weapons of mass destruction.He was a C student in college and so was my troubled cousin.
George W. Bush is the best president ever.No question, our president is a babe. I guess there’s just something about that macho attitude-when he trash-talks the bad guys, it sure makes me blush.I also think it’s kind of sweet that he has more syllables in his middle initial than in the rest of his name.Plus, isn’t he adorable in a uniform? Sure, it’s kind of depressing we’re at war.I’ll admit thinking about soldiers and death makes me a little glum. But then, when I see that nice bod of his all spruced up in military garb, I don’t mind quite so much.
There’s something sweet about having somebody so simple in such a complicated job.He tells clever jokes.I also like him because he’s been president before.I like experience.He’s had almost four whole years to practice leading the country in things like press conferences, war, debt and fun.One of these days he’ll work out those quirks and be a good leader-until then, I’m happy to undress him with my eyes on the 5 o’clock news every night.
Checking him out during press conferences is my guilty pleasure: When he makes that don’t-mess with-me face and uses exciting words like “fight” and “patriotism,” my heart skips a beat.That Bush kind of reminds me of my high school boyfriend: cute, awkward, easily tongue tied.He’s a little slow, but in a tousle-his-hair-and-sigh sort of way, more than a who-the-hell-is the-moron-leading-our-country way, you know?That boyish sex appeal gets my vote-and my imagination.
Another reason I like George W. Bush is because I liked his dad.I liked his dad because his dad was vice president under Reagan. I like Reagan because he was in the movies and I like movies, especially “Steel Magnolias.”
Plus, Bush has a lot of big things: ideas, accent, attitude, ears-and that’s why we should re-elect him. I feel like he really understands the American people: he and I both love this country, cowboy hats and a good Texan barbecue-things like that bond people.
Who can dwell on war when you realize he’s got enough rough and-tumble in his bones to charm every soccer mom in America to pieces?
Fine, he picks a few fights.But what Western tough-talking chap doesn’t?
Boys will be boys.Sure, he makes a few world leaders mad along the way.OK, so he burned a few bridges with that whole attack-Iraq deal.But he’s a manly man and I like testosterone. I think he’s cute.Cute presidents are cool.George W. Bush is cool.