Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
There is a large variety of departments and organizations on campus at the U that are an extremely large waste of money. These organizations, which I will identify below, should be permanently closed in an effort to reduce tuition. These people and places are worthless and contribute nothing to the community and many of them take away from the U at large.
The Marriott Library is the first part of the U that should be eliminated. This monstrosity of a building is simply a death trap. The stacks reek of the 1970s and most of the people inside are ugly. The library serves only as a breeding ground for the ignorant and unattractive. The building should be brought down by a rock-and-roll induced earthquake.
Kingsbury Hall doesn’t even have decent concerts. Where does Britney go when she comes to town? Not here. All this organization does is take up valuable parking on Presidents Circle and host snotty, good-for nothing jerks singing boring, old people songs. This is hardly a place cool enough for the Utes’ campus!
The Merrill Engineering Building would be a great place to finish off the awesome nine holes of golf you can play at the golf course just across the street. If you knocked this and the Engineering and Mines Building to the ground, you might be able to play 18 holes someday! Golf carts aren’t just for ASUU anymore! These people are engineers-they should start engineering themselves a new home.
The business loop is hardly a loop-more like a semi-circle. Where is the other side? It doesn’t necessarily need to be removed, it just needs to be renamed.
Greek Row isn’t technically a part of campus, but it really needs to go. College students weren’t meant to be social or to have a good time. College is about studying and career development, not underage girls and beer at fraternities. Heaven knows it certainly isn’t about girly stinginess and celibacy at sororities.
The dorms are a big waste of space.
Everyone knows the cool kids commute. Besides, like I said before, college is about studying and career development, not hanging around the dorms like a bunch of mallrats.
We all know about ASUU. I don’t even need to touch on how badly they need to get kicked off campus.
The Huntsman Center and all sports programs are a large source of our funding problems. Jetting these kids around the country is a joke. Exercise can be done at a gym and college isn’t about who can kick a ball the farthest or who can put a dinky little ball in a hoop. These things build school spirit, the number one enemy to learning.
Finally, the worst of all of the organizations on campus is The Daily Utah Chronicle. All this joke of a publication does is make fun of and criticize ASUU. Through pandering to the narrow-minded views of the staff, The Chrony consistently gets it wrong on every article and every opinion it takes. Everyone hates it-it should just go away.
After countless hours of counting and recounting, it is obvious that getting rid of these organizations on campus would cut our tuition in half.
Can you imagine that? Fifty percent off tuition!
I encourage each and every reader of this article to do everything they can to ensure the demise of all of these organizations.