Meyer reaching out to the entire student body

By By Archibald Keen

By Archibald Keen

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

It’s all about reaching out to the student body for U football coach Urban Meyer.

In his first year at the U, Meyer instilled a new tradition where the team would have to sing the fight song with the students after every home victory.

This season, he decided to let two student body members try out and make the team as part of the kickoff coverage squad.

The student who would be on the field on the kickoff coverage squad would be called the Utah Man.

But it doesn’t end there.

In order to truly allow the entire student body to bond with the football team, Meyer has broken down the gender barrier.

“Why should we set aside a specific position for a Utah Man and forget how important the Utah Women could be?” Meyer said.

In light of the sexual allegations that have taken place around the country, specifically at the University of Colorado, Meyer has not only broken the gender barrier, but has also found a way to quell the desires of the football players.

“Essentially, we are going to select 50 women from our great student body who will take care of each of our players,” Meyer said.

Although the drive to get the women is borderline illegal, Meyer thinks that it will help the campus community and finally allow the women to be a part of the mix.

“My goal from the very beginning of my tenure here at the U was to get everyone involved and build a successful program,” Meyer said.

The move to involve the Utah women will help the players to focus on the game of football.

“Let’s be honest. Football players can get a lot of women, but I need them to start focusing on the game of football in order for them to better represent the student body,” Meyer said.

Player reaction to the change has been mixed.

“I don’t really like to be limited in the way I spit my game,” U wide receiver Steven Savoy said. “But I guess I can’t complain, as long as it’s for the student body.”

Student reaction is in support of the issue.

“Coach Meyer is freaking amazing,” said Natalie Johnson, a student who wishes to be one of the Utah Women. “Getting to be a part of the team is amazing, and I hear they are even going to give us uniforms.”

Just as the Utah Man gets a unique uniform, the Utah Women is specially fitted with bra and panties that have the words “Utah Women” printed on both pieces of clothing.

With the new addition, Meyer believes the school has taken a step forward in realizing its goal to be like other campus’ around the country.

“I don’t understand why people don’t believe that we can be just like schools around the nation like Michigan and Texas A&M,” Meyer said.

“But don’t worry too much about it. We will accomplish our goals because we have a great student body.”

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