Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
U rugby star Narko Mumbers died of suffocation last night after University Hospital doctors failed to remove his head from one of his teammate’s asses.
Mumbers’ head became lodged between the butt cheeks of his roommate and longtime friend, A.J. Johns, during a rugby scrum in a game against Eastern Washington (a school stacked with good coaches).
The fatal injury seemed at first comical to his teammates and their opponents. Many of the team members are having trouble dealing with the stark contrast of the comedy and the tragedy.
“I just can’t believe he died from it,” said one of the surviving players as he fought off the tears.
Then, suddenly laughing, he said “It was just so funny, I still can’t believe it.” He then burst into tears and sprinted away.
Even more troubling than the psychological impact on the players is the fact that Johns was described by his teammates as truly enjoying the experience.
“It looked like he was liking it,” said one player, who wished to remain anonymous. “He was smiling and laughing and rolling around. He probably broke Narko’s neck while he was thrashing around.”
Chief surgeon at U Hospital, Dr. Stone Sphincter, spoke gravely about the incident, but he, too, had to fight off the chuckles from time to time during his explanation of what happened.
According to Sphincter, the uncontrollable reaction of Johns was not the cause of his death, though it did give Mumbers some minor backlash.
“It was an experience none of us would ever want to have, but he survived the initial turmoil quite well,” Sphincter said.
“Then, in an unfortunate twist of events, Johns passed the gas of his hot chili burrito lunch directly onto Mumbers’ head,” he said.
“It was the silent but deadly variety,” he said in describing the kind of fart that ultimately killed Mumbers. “He was suffocated to death almost instantaneously, as the gas poured into the anal cavity.
Usually the ‘deadly’ is just a metaphor, but in this case it was literal,” he added as if we couldn’t figure that much out ourselves.
In the wake of the tragedy, the team has vowed to give up its weekly team meeting at the local burrito joint.