Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Something sucky this way comes:

Teddy bears for children suck.

Pink teddy bears for children are even worse.

Acid rain, unless it makes you think the clouds are bleeding.

Not being tall enough to ride the cool rides.

The Patriot Act possesses scary amounts of suck.

Swoop.

The sweaty guy who comes out of Swoop sucks, too.

BYU.

Parties in Provo.

3.2 percent beer.

People who don’t pronounce the second “o” in sophomoric.

Unfunny crack.

The house that suck built would, logically, also suck.

Your birthday at TGI Friday’s.

When people look you up in the U’s student directory from more than 4,200 miles away, they really, really suck.

People with glasses.

Depressed penguins.

Clowns suck across the board.

People who believe 80 percent of the students on campus are virgins suck/are kidding themselves.

Penis envy sucks.

Womb envy sucks.

Talkative mimes.

People who have leopard sheets.

People who actually like blacklights.

Women who do their makeup on the highway.

Men who do their makeup on the highway.

Sheena sucks.

Getting fired also sucks.

Unfunny lists.

Intellectual elitists suck.

People who don’t know what “neocons” are really do suck.

Loud-mouthed Americans visiting France.

The French suck.

Busch sucks, as does Bush.

Mormon missions in Utah.

Inside jokes suck.

So does irony.

Clay Aiken sucks.

Wet dreams in the library.

The war on drugs and the war in Iraq are of equal suckage.

The following states suck: Idaho, Wyoming, North Dakota, South Carolina and Botswana.

Because there are only four people in Utah who drink, inbreeding sucks.

Good Charlotte more than sucks.

Buying a one-way ticket to Bulgaria.

Blaming the CIA sucks.

Holiday attire.

People who make their dogs wear socks.

People who name their children after months of the year.

My obsession with phallic architecture.

People who bring their children to Klan rallies/NASCAR races.

Office supplies.

Christian rock sucks-Black Sabbath rules!

Meth-d out waitresses at the Village Inn who spill coffee on your lap.

Using the public library for day care.

Everything about communal showers.

Towing an automobile with your teeth and/or genitals sucks.

Genitals suck.

Your mom, too.