Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.
Due to the numerous complaints lodged by students and faculty alike, drastic changes are to be made at the U in upcoming years.
Colleges, athletic departments and individual students are being affected by the harsh new policies.
The U’s football players, for example, will be required to graduate within 10 years-a requirement that may prove difficult for some.
Also, taking Survey of Jazz for the third time will no longer be counted any more as credit toward graduation.
The cheerleading squad has been targeted, too.
Due to previous confusion and problems caused by misspelling “Utah,” members of the squad will now be required to take and pass an IQ test.
The reform taking place at the U will spread to academia as well.
Mathematics students will be forbidden from going any balder.
They will now also be required to speak English when outside of the Math Lab instead of “Calculish.”
It will also become forbidden for them to calculate the difference between the cost of tuition and how much money is actually being used for students.
Philosophy students will be forced to sign an agreement that they will not wear any clothing articles dating from earlier than this decade.
Along with Philosophy 1010, bathing will become a major-specific requirement for the department, causing many to lose faith in the previously undeniable claim, “I stink, therefore I am.”
English majors are sentenced to completing a workshop which will focus on persuading them that, yes, in fact, Harry Potter is a classic.
Psychology majors and students from the College of Social Work are to stop asking “How does that make you feel?” when their friends are telling them about the nachos they had for lunch.
Marketing and other business students will now be forbidden from trying to persuade the cashiers in the Union’s food court into buying real estate in Florida.
Future nurses are to stop putting their ice-cold stethoscopes against their friends’ backs just for fun.
Pedestrians, in general, will be asked to stop waving those annoying orange flags and simply await their turns patiently when they want to cross the street.
Those without patience have been advised to get cars.
The Daily Utah Chronicle staff will also been targeted by the reform.
Male staff members are to cut their hair and abandon the hippie look, or, at the very least, bathe more than once every two weeks.
Females are to give a chance to something other than sneakers and sandals with socks.
All staff members are further required to stop using big words that they themselves do not understand and write articles instead of having their thumbs glued to PlayStation controllers.