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The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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Want your voice to be heard? Submit a letter to the editor, send us an op-ed pitch or check out our open positions for the chance to be published by the Daily Utah Chronicle.
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White house officials refocus War on Terror

By Jayson Blair

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

Two years after the end of the war in Afghanistan, one year after the declared end to major combat operations in Iraq and after announcing a proposed mission to Mars, the White House has now turned its attention toward an alleged weapons stockpile at the U.

On Sunday, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said on CBS’s “Face the Nation” that “American intelligence reports indicated that the U ‘has chemical and biological weapons, that the U has dispersed them, and that, in one case at least, command and control arrangements have been established.'”

Rumsfeld also hinted that the administration knew the whereabouts of the weapons stockpile.

“We know where they are. They’re in the area around the Union and library and east, west, south and north somewhat, and a little bit in the southeastern or western portion,” Rumsfeld said.

In his annual State of the Union address-which took place in March, again, for no apparent reason-President Bush took the claim one step further, alleging that the U may have nuclear intentions.

“The British government has learned that the U has recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa,” Bush said.

Amid the torrid speculation from the White House that an invasion of the U may be justified if compliance parameters are not met, some universities throughout the country are asking for more credible information before they can support the use of military force.

The University of Kentucky and the University of Pittsburgh have publicly stated their opposition to any military action.

In response, Americans across the country have begun a campaign to boycott Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants everywhere.

The University of Pittsburgh mascot, the panther, has also been removed from the federal endangered species list because, according to one White House official, “if those damn animals can’t be patriotic, then we’re not going to go out of our way to save their hides.”

“Those two liberal schools need to be taught a good ol’ fashioned lesson, like my ma and pa taught me when I growed up in Idaho…If you don’t love war, you’re unpatriotic. I would recommend that those people watch Mel Gibson’s movie, ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ too,” said Skyler Fuhrman, a pro-war activist.

One U student who identified himself only as Hippie said, “Dude, war sucks. But I don’t see how anybody can think about war when there’s news of Nalgene bottles causing birth defects. I, like, have 25 of those bottles!”

On Monday, top officials at the U denied the allegations that weapons of mass destruction reside or have ever resided at the U.

“We do not possess any such weapons.

Everyone around here knows the only real power we have is to increase tuition, but that’s not conventional terrorism, its just financial terrorism. To my knowledge, there’s nothing wrong with financial terrorism,” said a top Park Building official.

President Bush dismissed the U’s denial, pointing out a series of satellite and ground images that he described as mobile weapons labs.

“We have also discovered through intelligence that the U has a growing fleet of manned and unmanned vehicles that could be used to disperse chemical or biological weapons across broad areas,” Bush said.

Bush also said that he was furious at the U for the parking ticket he received while personally viewing the alleged weapons sites.

He said the government could not afford the preposterous rates charged for U parking passes, so he was forced to use the parking meters. Unfortunately, the president didn’t have any change on him, and when he returned to his vehicle, he found a ticket on his windshield.

Jake Shaw from U Parking Services said, “I know it’s Air Force One, but it’s still parked illegally. I even gave him a five-second grace period.”

After meticulously reviewing the images on Monday night, U officials released a statement that startled all parties involved.

The statement read, “Having reviewed the images that the american government claims to be mobile weapons labs, we have concluded that they are correct.

The U is in fact guilty of possessing chemical and biological weapons-but the fault is not that of the administration. The trucks depicted in those images are garbage trucks, carrying disposed, unrecycled food made by Chartwells in the Union.”

The statement went on to read that after some internal investigation, it was determined that Chartwells not only contained chemical and biological weapons that burn holes through styrofoam plates, but the conglomerate also transfers the bill to students through their pricing scheme.

For the White House, the U’s statement created a sense of reprieve. It allowed the Bush administration to appear correct in its decisions for the first time in nearly four years.

“We were actually right,” said Secretary of State Colin Powell, clearly somewhat surprised. “I can’t believe we were actually right.”

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