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The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

The University of Utah's Independent Student Voice

The Daily Utah Chronicle

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You might be a brain-dead leftist if…

By Right-Wing Randy

Disclaimer: The following article is published as part of our annual satirical April Fool’s Day issue. Please don’t believe any of it, and please don’t sue us. Thanks.

If you’ve ever accused anyone of being “species-ist,” you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you think Dick Gephardt is “too right wing,” you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you have ever used “jingoist,” “reactionary,” or “McCarthyist” as an accusation, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you think Ken Starr was a genuine threat to the Constitution, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you think the Pentagon deliberately killed journalists or civilians during the liberation of Iraq, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you think the mainstream media is “too right wing,” you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you think it’s cool, hip or daring to burn the flag, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you think “supporting the troops” means “bringing them home,” you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you say you love America, but can’t think of a single reason why, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you think that tax cuts always increase the deficit, but vast new government spending programs never do, you might be a brain dead leftist.

If you claim to support the War on Terror, but oppose spending money on defense, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you think that President Bush is a bigger liar than President Clinton, you might be a brain dead leftist.

If you believe Palestinians bomb Israelis because of a “cycle of violence,” you might be a brain dead leftist.

If you believe that veal should be banned but that abortions should be legal, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you believe that there was a “Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy,” you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you believed everything Bill and Hillary said, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you believe that Clinton’s scandals were “all about sex,” you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you hate John Ashcroft, but love Fidel Castro, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you support most of the First Amendment, but none of the Second, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you believe that the people of Iraq were better off under Saddam Hussein, you might be a brain dead leftist.

If you believe that building a 40 country coalition constitutes a “unilateral” foreign policy, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you believe Bush stole the election in 2000, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If “chick” offends you, but “f***” doesn’t, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If seeing a Bible offends you more than seeing an issue of Hustler, you might be a brain dead leftist.

If you think that a woman marrying a woman is glorious, but that a woman marrying a man is disastrous, you might be a brain dead leftist.

If you supported Bernie “Bannie” Machen and his crusade against the Second Amendment, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you believe in the existence of “The Patriarchy,” you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you believe that corporations are conservative, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

If you believe that Republicans are racist, you might be a brain dead leftist.

If you’ve ever called President Bush a Nazi, you are a brain-dead leftist.

If you think that Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice or President Bush are a bigger threat to America than al-Qaida, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

And, finally:

If you’re not laughing at this list, you might be a brain-dead leftist.

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