Half of Bennifer is bad for Red Sox

The following is a letter to Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein.

Subject: On the degradation of mascot integrity.

Dear Mr. Epstein,

I’d like to preface this letter with some unabashed ass-kissing, but for the sake of maintaining your ego, I’ll get right to the point.

There’s a serious problem with the Red Sox organization that I feel is being overlooked because of the other matters of vast importance that fill your plate every day. It’s not a roster decision, or a problem with the coaching staff, which are usually magnets of scrutiny in the greater Boston area.

Instead, it’s a problem with unofficial Red Sox mascot Ben Affleck.

While you might think that Affleck has a popular appeal that is good for the Red Sox organization, that is not the case. In fact, I don’t know of a single person who has even an ounce of respect for Affleck, and therefore his popular appeal lies solely in his ability to be made fun of.

This ability is present in all mascots, but they bring it on willingly by wearing ridiculous costumes and falling all over themselves in front of 50,000 people. Affleck gets the same reaction from the public, but his method is entirely accidental.

ESPN columnist Bill Simmons refers to it as the unintentional comedy scale.

Affleck’s acting, when serious, is unintentionally hilarious, and when intentionally comedic, is seriously painful.

As it stands, the Red Sox are currently being represented by a no-talent hack, and as a lifelong fan of your organization, I vehemently object to Affleck acting as the figurehead of your fan base.

He gives the team a bad name, a bad image and a boat-load of bad karma. After all, he narrated “The Curse of the Bambino.” He is the voice of bad karma.

What’s worse is he dated/dates/married/divorced Jennifer Lopez, a cheap bandwagon Yankee fan, and brought her into Fenway Park during the ALCS last year, while claiming to be the biggest fan in Boston.

I guarantee he’s not and here’s the proof: UConn Huskies men’s basketball coach Jim Calhoun received a call from Yankees owner George Steinbrenner after winning the national championship. Steinbrenner asked Calhoun to throw out the first pitch at an upcoming Yankees game, to which Calhoun responded, “No chance.”

Why? Because he is a lifelong Red Sox fan and “Sixty years of torment is enough.”

Then, as revenge for those 60 years of torment, Calhoun appeared at Fenway Park on Monday to throw out the first pitch for the Red Sox, against Stenbrenner’s Yankees. Those are exemplary actions from an exemplary Red Sox fan.

Note that Calhoun has never appeared in an offensively bad romantic comedy with Sandra Bullock, nor has he completely sacrificed his integrity by starring in the universally maligned “Gigli.”

That was Ben Woeful, embarrassing-to-be-associated with Affleck.

I could take you through all of his cinematic efforts in an attempt to further articulate my point, but I’m sure you are familiar enough with Affleck’s artistic butchery of every character he’s ever attempted to portray, and therefore, you must see my point.

The fact is, we Red Sox fans need a true, blood-and-bones Bostonian type to be the celebrity spokesperson of our team. Michael Chiklis, star of “The Shield,” was suggested by one of my co-workers. It’s really up to you, but let’s be serious. The Affleck charade must end, and soon.

So please, Mr. Epstein, if you insist upon Affleck as the mascot of the Red Sox, make it official: Dress him up in a giant Hot Dog suit, call him Fenway Frank, and parade him around Fenway Park at home games.

That would be off-the-charts unintentional comedy, worth the price of admission alone.

It would also be Affleck’s most accurate portrayal to date.


Matthew Ouellette

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