Let them eat Calendar!

Oct. 20Wednesday It’s the middle of the week and the air is thick. Breath deep: Ahhh, inversion.Speaking of air pollution, noon, today, at UVSC’s McKay Events Center, the moment everyone has been waiting (and purchasing an arsenal of military-grade assault weapons) for: Michael “How many hotdogs can I eat?”…Moore! Tonight, Moore, famed director of romance comedies “Fahrenheit 9-11” and the Oscar-winner “Bowling For Columbine” will convince Utah that its entire fry sauce supply has been contaminated. Even more, that fry sauce is just a vast right-wing conspiracy for more people to buy into “corporate America.” Tickets are $5 a serving and can be picked up from any outlet of the ever-monopolizing (and chronically misspelled) Smith’sTix.

Not that we’ve got any beef with Moore-he ate it all. As for those going to see Moore? Watch out for that whole “Stockholm Syndrome” thing. You know, when you fall in love with your captor? Not that anybody other than the room-service guys where Moore is staying tonight would ever fall in love him, but we’re just saying: we’d rather catch Stockholm Syndrome when it’s with one Karl Denson at one Club Suede in Park City. Karl Denson with Stockholm Syndrome is the type of jam-band dream lineup those still in post-Phish withdrawal would do well to enjoy. $17 to catch the cold from Svee-denn (although neither Karl Denson nor Stockholm Syndrome are not Swedes…yet), and Smith’sTix outlets are the ones slinging the sickness.

Speaking of sickness, rev your sniffle-engines ladies and gentile-men-it’s flu season in happy valley. That means bundle up the little ones (in germ-proof bio suites), wash your hands (in bleach) as often as possible, and grab your baseball bat-you’re going to need it. Word on the street is that that soccer moms nationwide have taken to wearing their children’s cleats and kicking in the faces of the other PTA parents in order to get their hands on some of the flu-shot’s scarce supply. Consequently, there are sure to be innumerable violence-related charges filed this flu season. And what does that mean? In Calendar-ville, it means…time to school more lawyers! What can you do? Calendar says, “If you can’t beat ’em, sue ’em!” Anyway, preempt the supply-and-demand legal boom by attending the U’s Law School Fair from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. in the Union. With more than 100 Law School reps in attendance, all calendar can say is…WOW! That is impressive. No really it is. Bet you didn’t see that one coming, Whipple.

Who are the Phoenicians? No, they’re not an indigenous hooked-on-phonics African tribe. Try again. Who are the Phoenicians? Frankly my dear, Calendar doesn’t give a damn…but those damn hippies responsible for the National Geographic Special “Quest for the Phoenicians” (airing tonight at 7 p.m. on PBS) sure do! Be sure to stay on the edge of your seat as the program enthrallingly details how scientists examine DNA to figure out just who these mysterious people are. Apparently they were in the Bible or something. And apparently that’s, like, an important book. Don’t ask us why, though-Calendar got kicked out of Sunday school for turning the holy water into Kool-Aid. Hey, if God didn’t yell at Jesus for doing it with wine, where’s the sin?

Or, if all else fails, why not just go watch the grass grow? Or paint dry? Or wind assemble? Well, we’re kinda serious about that last one-The University of Utah School of Music Presents “Wind Ensemble” at 7:30 p.m. at Libby Gardner Hall for $3 with student ID. Then you can go back to that paint you so patiently watched dry and do what you came to do in the first place: Eat it. Mmmm…lead poisoning.