Oct. 28

Thursday

Thank Satan it’s Thursday-the sance where we resurrect jolly St. Lucifer to wreak havoc on our trick-or-treaters (and “spice” our homemade “treats”) is only a few more days away. Then on Sunday, us troublemakers go to church. But before the big day, we need to get a hold of a few things first.

Let’s start with those “treats” of ours, which, contrary to popular belief, are actually cooked before being “spiced.” And what excitable, young chap doesn’t want his Judas IscarCookie to have a low-carb option to supplement his Atkins diet? Mommy won’t stop feeding you those high-net-calorie bananas? Screw that old wench- as part of the University of Utah’s Wellness Week, we’re going to partake in some Healthy Cooking Techniques today, 12:15-1:30 p.m. in HPRN 227 (that’s the HPER North facility, for all you normal anti-acronymists). Learn ways to cook healthier food so that when cannibals come to eat everyone on Sunday, you’ll have earned Filet-O-Fish status: always considered, but never actually eaten. Wow. Didn’t we save you on that one…

We can’t make a joke about Islamic Art Day or our good friends on the U’s Diversity Board will send those cannibals/diversity activists after us. So we’ll just say this: Sorry Ali, but it’s better than Islamic Profiling Day, which, unofficially, happens in Salt Lake County every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday-the rest are reserved for witches and us “Cananites.” But the pretty pictures? Islamic Art Day goes down today in the Union Lobby from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., and no, they will not be taking the rupee as an acceptable form of payment.

Tired of getting your salsa out of the bottom of the Tostito’s jar, in the process sliming the remains all over your grubby, Ecoli ridden hands? Fear no more, because the SkyBar (600 S. 200 West) has had its crack team of social psychologists hard at work finding the answer. It just so happens that tonight, the SkyBar has Salsa…Dancing! Yes, Salsa Dancing! Yes! Tonight!

Remember that time you asked Calendar to go to that orchestra concert and we didn’t come cuz we were all like, “Nah! That string section is haunted!” Turns out we were right…which is weird, really, because we just didn’t want to get bored to death by some high-art lame-o-philes. But either way, we’ll take credit: The Haunted Orchestra Halloween Concert “Creepy Tales” gets the chains rattling tonight at 7:30 p.m. at Libby Gardner Hall for $3 a person. All the ghosts and goblins will be there, and lest you lose all your other-worldly cred, you better be there too. Bail and Casper will personally kick your donkey.

Ah, curling…the sport of…um…dudes in tights with an extra tea kettle sitting around? Seriously. Who plays this sport? And does some specialty shoe company actually make these “athletes'” footwear, or do they just step on some tacks for traction or something?

645 S. Guardsman Way, 8-10 p.m. tonight. Learn the mysteries of curling. Do some curling yourself. Then go cry yourself to sleep.

One last thing-our bosses (A&E tyrants Foster Kamer and Eryn Green…who I hate) have told me to tell you that their ridiculous “beautiful” mix tape contest ends today at 5 p.m. I have since submitted them for copyright violations concerning Talib Kweli (who’ll be more than glad to sue Kamer for everything he’s got) and his recently released “the beautiful mix tape” album, which it has clearly stolen the idea from. Well done, boys. Your pay is mine in no time. But until then, submit your own mix of nine Halloween-themed songs and nine “political rock” songs to [email protected]. The winner gets $15 in Graywhale cash for each winning mix. Don’t say A&E never gave anybody anything …other than “the clap.”