Calendar: son of the morning

Oct. 29Friday

Of course, like any good Halloween, this one has to start out messy. How messy? 3 Inches of Blood, messy. Real machete, fake machete, is there really a difference? Hey-we’re willing to do anything to…kill…the competition! Muah ha! Muah ha ha! Ha!…ha…we hate this job. And as for metal bands (i.e., 3 Inches of Blood) that sing about battle-axes, swords, dwarfs, wizards, etc…? We really ha…uh…hastily and shamelessly promote them. Come on! We’ve got alimony to pay!

3 Inches of Blood are collecting at Burt’s Tiki Lounge (726 S. State St.) tonight. Don’t get any on you-they might cast a 50 MP spell! And watch out for those 12-sided dice!

Luckily, the good people at Park City’s Club Suede already figured out that bloodstains are hard to get out. That’s why they booked the horrific (in a good way) alt-folk-country thrillers Mindy Smith, Garrison Starr and Special Guest for tonight when the doors fly open at 7 p.m. Wait a second-“Special Guest” means they’re having a special guest. Oh…Gotcha. Who’s the mystery act? Suede is keeping tight-lipped, telling the press to “leave a message, and we’ll call you back as soon as we can. Thank you.(Beep),” or something to that extent. Tickets are $20 and can be hustled from those snake charmers at Smith’sTix wherever they’ve monopolized. Be older than 21, or else they’ll square dance you out of there.

Of course, Kilby Court is always spooking up something hip these days. Tonight? Around 7 p.m.? For around $8? Like every other night at Kilby?! The Joggers! Get out your sweat suits and run with their music, which…is running…like hell…out of this bad entry and into the next day like this!

Oct. 30Saturday

Back to Burt’s Tiki Lounge again, where the folks there seem to be preparing more and more for the day of darkness, terror, horror, satanic ritualism and clever Hallmark cards. No, “The Great Pumpkin” comes later, Linus. We’re talkin’ Hall-o-ween (which, incidentally, has nothing to do with halls or Ween. Nobody has anything to do with Ween). And who better to summon the spirits of the dead like The Voodoo Organist, who has been in contact with A&E’s own Chris Whipple over “request(ing) for the career demise of Mr. (Jimmy) Falon” for some reason or another. More power to him.

Kilby Court, after jogging out all of that salty sweat, will proceed to rock out to the thundergods that are Smashy Smashy. Oh, you cute Kilby kids…we hope someone Smashy Smashies your pumpkins in and spills out 3 inches of indie-fab! Same time, same deal, same place-8 p.m., $8-$10 tickets, Kilby Court. Form of Rocket will be “blasting off” with them. What a ride.Finally, if anything, go to the Tower Theatre at midnight. There, you will witness the only thing that ever makes Calendar feel like he’s back at home-transsexual rock opera that endures through the ages by a variety of props, ritualism, and role-playing. The Rocky Horror Picture Show with full audience participation will be showing on Saturday night at midnight at the Tower Theatre. Mom, Dad-where are you when we need you most? Can’t we just do the Time Warp one more time? Please? Make sure to go to the Tower Theatre or Broadway Cinemas to get your tickets before they sell out. Don’t bring your own props-they’ll be selling them to buy (thus raking more of your cash) when you get there, but come in full costume. Please. Full costume.

Oct. 31Sunday

Sunday is normally the day where everyone goes to church. Today, everyone goes to church for Satan whether you people like it or not. Trick or treats? Satan’s doing! Costumes? Soul-masking for the guilty! Bobbing for apples? More like bobbing for sin!

We’re sure you bob all you want…for the floor…when someone busts out a Tech-9ine at the U92 Halloween Players Ball. Sounds like every other Wednesday at Vortex, right? Wrong-it’s Sunday. And rapper Tech N9ne will actually be dropping by to perform a set. Tickets are $18, which, incidentally, is as old as you have to be to get into Vortex (18). Not old enough to drink, but old enough to sin? Sinful.

We take Jerry Falwell’s side: the devil is taking over all of your souls tonight and the apocalypse will banish all of you to the bottommost fire pit of hell! Because that would be so cool! Three-day weekend? They can’t make us go in the office if they’re all banished to hell! And what makes you think we’d be with them? Sinning? We’re not into that kind of thing…OK?