She thinks my Calendar’s sexy

Nov. 5FridayCalendar took Utah history back in elementary school. They made us-it was all scrapbooking and prophets-this and prophets-that. But, while the majority of that fifth-grade class has long been forgotten, one distinct memory remains: Mrs. Smith (really her name, no joke) told Calendar and our classmates that, contrary to the “This is the place” propaganda we’d been fed about Brigham Young’s infamous declaratory speech, he actually said “Hey guys, this here looks like a heavenly state. Let’s settle in this Happy Valley and learn from that Donner family’s mistakes.”Yep, heavenly state. That’s Utah alright-chock full of anti-depressant pill-poppers and conservative legislators. Sounds like heaven to Calendar. So, it makes sense that the band The Heavenly States is divinely drawn to Salt Lake City and its ethereal burlesque, The Crazy Goat Saloon (119S. W Temple) tonight. Tithing is to be paid at the door, show time is 7 p.m. and all heavenly bodies (i.e., beautiful co-eds) might even be able to scam their way past the doorman like a sinner past that guy with the white beard at the pearly gates.

But, if you’re not from Utah and don’t really see the state as glistening and angelic as the rest of the Elders, fear not-Calendar isn’t from round’ here either. Nope, we’re from the deep, deep south…of Ireland. It’s kind of like the regular Deep South, only instead of Jack Daniels we drink Guinness and instead of rivers and country music we have civil unrest and the Young Dubliners. Oh those Young Dubliners: So not actually young. Regardless, come see all the band’s middle-aged mayhem tonight at the most identity-challenged club in Utah, DV8 (115 S. West Temple), for $15.

Stoked about Bush’s re-election? Good for you, patriot-join Drew Tabke and Chris Whipple in all the boot-stomping, country girl-ogling, Bud Light-drinking line-dancing tonight with Toby Keith at the Delta Center. But, tickets cost more than a shiny nickel, cowpokes-$44, to be precise, so maybe you should think about riding your bicycle downtown instead of dropping $50 on the cross-town Suburban trip. Gas guzzling is fine for paint-sniffers, not automobiles, guys.

Nov. 6SaturdayHow much cooler is Bo Diddley’s name than yours? Sooo much. Just say it: Diddly. Diddly. Bo. Remember those commercials from the early 1990s with Bo Jackson, where he was all like, “Bo knows optometry; Bo knows rocket-science; Bo knows complex calculus?” Yeah, this Diddley guy-different guy.This Bo knows guitars, the blues and all about Diddley-squat. So get your learning on tonight at the Velvet Room (155W. 200 South) for $25. Hey, Bo also knows he’s got a famous name, alright? Call it business-savvy if you will, but Bo gotta get paid, ya heard?

But if you’re white and once had a Mohawk and really, really, really like Sid Vicious, then maybe Diddley isn’t your game. Something a little more distorted? How about Social Distortion? Word. Punk pioneers and champions of the fight-pumping slogan “Free loafs of bread!” bring the political-pandering to In the Venue (579 W. 200 South) at 7 p.m., also for $25. Free loafs of bread? How about free concert tickets, you backwards Marxists? Seriously, who didn’t pay attention in Econ class? Bueller? Bueller?

Nov. 7SundayGo to church. Get yourself a soul cleansing. We’re not joking-you reek of sin. The lord is never going to forgive you if you don’t go tell a priest all your deepest, darkest secrets.Then, once you feel sufficiently purged, go counteract the celebration of Christ’s immaculate conception with a little celebration of your own, only this time in honor of Malignant Inception, and their Christ-like arrival at Salt Lake’s own manger-of-choice, Lo-fi Caf (500 East between 200 and 300 South). Dig the creationism at around 7 p.m., tickets can be had at the door, but you best be a member if you want to celebrate with any type of traditional “party favor.” You know very well what Calendar means. Deviant.