Nothing brings U together like hatred for the Y

I’m a strong believer in the idea that nothing inspires pride and unity like hatred of someone else. After all, why did Napoleon declare war against all of Europe?

With that said, I’d like to take a little time to point out to all of you how lucky you are to be at this campus instead of the one located down in Happy Valley.

Reason One: The dorm situation down south. Not only are our dorms cooler, nicer and come with (believe it or not) a better dining plan, the whole on-campus living situation down there is just plain backward.

No member of the opposite sex in your bedroom? Please. That only encourages people to associate hanging out with hooking up.

Right now, somewhere in the Cougar Nation, some girl is thinking, “Oh man, there’s a boy in my room! Things are gettin’ sexy!”

No, my friend. No they are not.

At the U, guys and girls hang out in each other’s rooms all the time, all the while realizing that there is a big difference between a bearskin rug in front of a roaring fire and some dude’s room with dirty laundry on the floor and Britney Spears posters on the wall.

We realize that a vital part of the college experience is a dog pile of 10 people on one bed, struggling to stay awake through an all-night movie marathon. We realize that playing Nintendo together does not have to lead to premarital sexual relations.

Then there’s the whole bathroom situation in those cinderblock prisons the Y calls dorms. Forty girls sharing one bathroom? Quite frankly, I’d rather die.

Once a friend of mine said she didn’t mind it, since they were all “sisters in Zion.” Waiting in line for an hour just to brush your teeth contributes to the spirit of sisterhood, apparently.

Yeah, well, I’ve got non-biological sisters, too. We live on Greek Row, we don’t have to share one bathroom, and we all get along just fine.

Reason Two: Did you know that they hold church services in lecture halls down there? It sure came as news to me.

Oddly enough, I just don’t feel like I could feel the Spirit in the same place that I failed a chemistry exam the Friday before.

Maybe it’s just the super-liberal experience I’ve had here in the Sin City of Utah, but I sort of like knowing that my church and my school are two entirely separate things-if only in geography.

Reason Three: The “Honor” Code.

The Honor Code at BYU is flat-out stupid. You would think that the 10 Commandments would be enough, but no. Apparently, tank-tops, cursing, tattoos and piercings can also get you sent to hell-at least academically.

That being said, I hate students at BYU who don’t follow the Honor Code.

You chose to go to your stupid school and you knew about their stupid rules. Suck it up. I think the fact that you promised not to drink a Mountain Dew and then you went ahead and did it is a lot more detrimental to your salvation than the Mountain Dew itself.

If you wanted to go to a normal place where teachers don’t care whether or not you have three-inch sideburns and a goatee, you should have come here.

The only thing U students have to promise is that we won’t cheat.

I could go on and on about the things that I like about the U and hate about the Y. For one, parking down there is even worse than it is up here-hard to imagine, but true. But the one thing I love about the Y is how it brings the U together.

Rivalry makes us forget our differences.

This week, let Young Republicans break bread with the Young Democrats, let LDSSA and the Cleft and the Atheists Association hold a candle passing, let the ROTC crowd and the hippies join hands and sing “Kumbaya.”

On this most holy of weeks, let us all come together, if for nothing else to watch Crowton’s team get thrashed!

Go Utes.

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