The Cougar perspective: Yes it’s

By By Rob Weiler

By Rob Weiler

Rob Weiler

Senior Sports Reporter

The Daily Universe (BYU)

There had been a long standing tradition between The Chronicle and The Daily Universe where, on the last issue before the Holy War, the two papers would exchange columns to be printed in each other’s papers. This year however, the supervising board for The Daily Universe decided not to allow the printing of our column.

We feel this gesture of unabashed pretentiousness is fairly consistent with our opinion of that egomaniacal institution, so we decided to print their column anyway, with our own comments in italics, because a delusional voice should be actively censored.

Since the days of Scott Mitchell and Ty Detmer, I have come to understand that the annual BYU-Utah football game is only one ingredient of the Holy War Jell-O. (No better way to begin than with a shameless product plug that is both revealing and terrifically lame.)

Like many others across the Beehive State, I come from a divided family, torn at the seams the week before a Thanksgiving holiday that will only be enjoyed if you can make a remark about the color of the cranberry sauce. (Racist)

My dad is a Ute, raised in the crimson way with the rest of his siblings above Foothill Drive. Mom is a Cougar, who earned her degree during the Gifford Nielsen years and somehow found it in her royal blue-blood-pumping heart to marry my dad, despite the “traditions of his fathers.”

A family of six, we Cougars have a 4-2 lead in the immediate family, but there are different loyalties within my extended family. (Which offers no explanation as to why he attended the U. You’ll see the hypocrisy blooming as you read further.) And growing up in Salt Lake City, the battle for who got to wear the appropriately colored tie the following morning to church completed my devotion to the school down the road. (Another revealing anecdote.)

With 20 years of life experience in this rivalry that could have only been enhanced by strapping on a helmet myself, I am just one of the masses who holds near and dear to my school. I’ve heard a novel’s worth of jabs against both sides, from one school’s coeds to the others’ line of LDS Church authority. I enjoy a good “how many [insert school] graduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?” joke as much as the next guy (He’s the only person alive who enjoys those trite, pedestrian jokes.) and know better than to mess with your yell leaders.

All the trash-talking and paraphernalia (We guarantee he found “paraphernalia” in a thesaurus) point to the fans as the biggest X-factor in sports (Leave Dante Hall out of this) and the most important part of any rivalry.

Both sides are to be commended for their undying commitment one way or the other, but at the end of the day, BYU fans are better than Utah fans for one simple reason: BYU fans expect their team to win every game, even tomorrow (delusional: adj.-a persistent, false, psychotic belief regarding the self, or persons or objects outside the self), while Utah fans are satisfied with “keeping it close.” (We’re all rendered totally speechless by the incredible hypocrisy and falsity of this last statement.)

How many times have you heard this at the water cooler Monday morning?

BYU fan: “I can’t believe we lost to Florida State. How could we lose?” (delusional adj.-a persistent false psychotic belief…)

Utah fan: “That game against Michigan was a huge moral victory for this team.” (For the record, talk radio shows after BYU played USC and Boise State were being peppered with calls from Y fans calling the games moral victories.)

In high school, I spent my fair share of games in Rice-Eccles Stadium, pacing the sidelines alongside Ron McBride (name dropper). My father’s side of the family has been volunteering with Rice-Eccles Stadium’s P.A. crew for years, so I have a little bit of insight into the mind of a Ute fan. (It is common knowledge that volunteers on the stadium P.A. crew are the Kreskins of football.) I was there in ’96, dodging snowballs and asking for Steve Sarkisian’s autograph after he consoled Harold Lusk. I was there in ’98, standing behind the north goal post when Ryan Kaneshiro “clanked” (doinked) his way into rivalry lore. No wonder this year is so meaningful to you all. (Does he even know what he’s writing? What does that even mean?)

It seems like it’s more important for Utah fans to avoid embarrassment than to come away with a W. (This is such a f******* ridiculous statement, our editor allowed us to imply the f-bomb.) Your own coach recognizes this. (Here comes some truly brilliant logic by our guest columnist.) Thursday’s edition of The Chrony included an article by none other than Urban Meyer, with a list of background information about Saturday’s game to help you represent your school well. (Not only is this factually inaccurate, it’s totally unrelated to the point he was trying to make.) What does it say about your fans when your coach feels the need to take time during the most important week “in Utah football history” to remind you to show up for the game in red and to go crazy at the game? (Urban actually explained how to go about participating in “College Football GameDay,” which incidentally has never been to BYU. The U fans are well-versed in how to behave at the games, as seen in the 10 wins we’ve witnessed this year.)

BYU fans know no other form of history than a winning one. (Thereby eliminating more than half of their history. Typical of a Cougar, so typical.) The right side of the win-loss column doesn’t exist in our record books. (Delusional: adj.-…) It may be seen as cocky and arrogant to some to expect a win week after week, but when you don’t know any other way, it’s difficult to comprehend a different type of outcome. (We easily could have capitalized on the delusional joke again, but we think you probably get the point. Feel free to use it liberally on your own throughout the rest of this column where it is certainly applicable.)

Many of my friends and family thought they had won me over when I started college at the U, (to pull a quote from an earlier paragraph: “I learned how essential it is to pick a side and never stray.”) a school that treated me well for two years. I have nothing but respect for the academic nature of the university, although I’ll never understand why my Math 1090 was held in one of the HPER buildings.

The only reason I could ever figure was that Brett Elliott was one of my

classmates and might get lost if he had to learn how to find more than one building on campus. (At least he’s not a rapist.)

I haven’t counted BYU out just yet. No matter what has happened in the previous 12 weeks, EVERYTHING is on the line on Saturday. Bowl games, national recognition and coaching jobs fall a distant second in importance to bragging rights for the next 364 days.

Regardless of what happens tomorrow, you can bet BYU fans are singing about next year’s victory story. (What does this even mean? Is he making a bold prediction? Is he looking ahead to next year? Is he accepting defeat? This is just so confusing it could only be delusional.)