Yankee Calendar Foxtrot

Nov. 22MondayOK-not going to lie. Calendar is still wrecked from Saturday night’s post-game festivities. Literally, our life is a wreck right now-headlight: taken out; girl: hates our guts; friends: what friends? The tremors, the shakes, the nausea, the chafing, the headaches. The only advantage to being a BYU fan/”Zoobie” (assuming there could be one)? As of this writing, Zoobies are in church. For the next few hours, we’re in hell.

Sure, it’s a small price to pay for that whole “undefeated record” thing, and after church-even during-BYU is still a type of boring hell we’d pay for in blood to not be around. Looks like we got our wish. Let’s do this fast: There’s a porcelain alter waiting for worship.

And speaking of the “vom,” Metallica and Godsmack will be instigating thousands of people to suck at life tonight at the E-Center (3200 S. Decker Lake Dr.) in West Valley City. Now that Metallica can’t whine about college kids taking away from their children’s dinner plates because of “illegal” P2P downloading, they’re just going to dupe the people that actually like them (in the posterior…) with a concert ticket that ranges in price from $55 to $75. But hey-showing appreciation for fans by making them shell out more for your now over-produced, ever over-appreciated band is so rock and roll. Like Metallica. Show starts at 7 p.m.-don’t forget to check your taste at the door.

Or you could donate it to the denizens at UVSC’s McKay Events Center tonight at 7 p.m. when Yellowcard will headline a show featuring fellow stuck-in-sophomore-year rockers The Starting Line, Days Away and Hey Mike. Tickets are $22, which isn’t much considering the singles pool that’ll be there. Young. Single. Emotionally vulnerable…and they all watch “The O.C.” We smell blood. If we could turn back time, this wouldn’t be so against the law. That would be better.

The stomach lurches again. If we could turn back time, we wouldn’t have sucked down that bottle-yes, a full bottle-of JD. Maybe we just need some fresh mountain air-then things’ll be better. Yeah. Air. Make sure to talk to the people at the FreeSkier Society Table today on the lower entrance to the Marriot Library for more information on who would win if Park City and Brighton got into a steel-cage, no-holds-barred fight.

Which would probably be more exciting than the Utah Jazz game tonight at the Delta Center (301 W. South Temple), where they’ll do “battle” against the New Orleans Hornets. The Jazz have this one in their pocket, sure. But what we want is a repeat of this weekend’s Pacers/Pistons brawl-the NBA adding Ultimate Fighting to the mix? Brilliant! Spice it up with fan interaction, and hey-(NBA Commissioner) David Stern’s not doing such a bad job these days. Tickets run from $10 to $90, but ringside’s gonna run a little higher than that. Notably, tonight’s game, which starts at 7 p.m., will also see John Stockton’s jersey (No. 12) raised to the rafters. Maybe they’ll throw those short-shorts in with it.

Ugh. Another tremor. Food and drink make Calendar not so hung over. Port O’ Call (400 S. West Temple) has its infamous $2.50, 24 oz. Big Ass Mug of Beer special running all day today. Wings ‘n’ Things (418 E. 200 South) is running a buy one plate, get one free special all day today as well.

But the time has come: we must admit we have a problem. We must seek out legitimate knowledge about rehabilitation. We must go…to the Wilco show tonight at Kingsbury Hall (1395 E. Presidents’ Circle). Yes, Wilco is making its first-time stop in Utah at our school! Tickets are $20 for U students, $40 for everyone else-Zoobies included. This is the concert that you don’t want to miss, and tickets are almost gone. When Tweedy and Co. conquer the world, we won’t say “I told you so.” Instead, we’ll say: “We told you to see them in concert before they enslaved us!” Oh. Calendar has a way of making masochism understandable.