Nov. 29

Monday

It’s Monday, and it’s not just any Monday-it’s time to start freaking out. The end of Thanksgiving Break is traditionally the beginning of a much more important, violent and emotional beast than having to shovel down the DryBird with the “who’s who” of your extended family. Starting today, the countdown to finals begins. Once again: time to start freaking out…

…And by “freaking out,” we mean “preparing to handle massive, ungodly amounts of academic, social and psychological stresses.” Which, of course, constitutes the need to blow off a little steam? Talk about convenience-some of the best skiing in America is a hop-skip from our campus. Still don’t know how to ski/snowboard?

Park City Mountain Resort (800-222-PARK) will rescue your soul from obscurity with their Learn to Ski & Ride package, which gets you an afternoon lesson, rental equipment, and a special “First Time” lift ticket for just $25. Just don’t let those season-pass-holding mountain rats peek that “First Time” pass-they might laugh you off the mountain.

Note how “freaking out” DOES NOT mean trying to get your roommate to kill him or herself, which, according to urban legend, will earn you an automatic 4.0. We are not endorsing this “academic strategy” in any way. We are not telling you to (take your roommate and) appear at Abravanel Hall around 8 p.m. tonight, when American Idol/Psycho Clay Aiken takes the stage to bring Salt Lake City his Joyful Noise Tour. Our guess? He chokes himself with the mic for two hours. Granted, those tickets ranging from $31-$43 a pop (tickets.com) might be a little steep, but remember-you’re not buying roomie’s ticket. You’re buying a future.

There’s also the less distinguished, less drawn out, more generic sonic torture for the “bluesy” neighbor next door: take them to a hardcore show! Timing?! Impeccable! There just to happens to be a hardcore show at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) tonight! Clifton will demand that the doors open at 6:30 p.m! Nobody will understand what they’re screaming! Appearing with Clifton are Beyond This Flesh, A Death Of Us All, and Art Of Kaneley! Tickets are $8! You can get them from 24Tix.com!

Okay, so maybe getting your roommate to take their own life-conspicuously days away from your pass-or-sink finals-might not be the right way to go about things. Or it might not work. In that case, you may want to consider a career in something that doesn’t involve the institution (that’s “college”) you were just kicked out of-welcome to the huddles masses. Greeting you today at 4:30 p.m. in Room 158 of the Art Building is David Wilson, founder of the Museum of Jurassic Technology, who might explain how he makes a living off of collecting “artifacts” like a horn that supposedly grew off a woman’s head.

Other ways to pay bills without that college degree? You can always be a professional athlete. Do you know how in-demand those guys are? Just ask the (4-0) Utah Snowbears of the American Basketball Association, who, tonight at their 7:05 p.m. tipoff inside the Salt Lake Community College Lifetime Activites Center (Redwood Road campus) will do fierce battle against the Fresno Heatwave. Career-inspiring awe goes anywhere from $5 to $30 a ticket, and Smith’sTix sells it.

And if that falls through? Paddle down the “raging” rivers of Africa in a raft. At that point, all you have to worry about after finals is falling off the face of the earth and never getting up. Oh. Too late. And you didn’t even have to go to Africa! Filmmaker Gary Warriner, whose documentary “Blazing Paddles” which screens tonight at 6:30 p.m. in Kingsbury Hall, actually did. “Blazing Paddles” screens as part of the University Travel Film series, and tickets are $6.50 a head.

But seriously-drowning in an African river while your leg is being torn apart by some albino crocodile doesn’t sound like an ideal way to end your college career. Don’t forget-if you’re desperate/confused/in need of help with school, the good people at University College Advising (581-8146) on the fourth floor of the Student Services are full of sage wisdom and breathing techniques. Conveniently located right by University College Advising in the Student Services Building is the ASUU Tutoring Center (581-5153), who might actually be able to help you turn your mental breakdown into your Psych paper. 15 days and counting…