A Calendar December

Dec. 1WednesdayDecember has made its fashionably chaotic arrival-as the last month in the Calendar year, it manages to instill more fear, paranoia and bloody, gory sentiment in the hearts of college students than any other. Let’s see: credit debt that goes unpaid, present buying that adds to debt, holiday “cheer,” lists of New Year’s “resolutions,” and having to visit your family-then showing them your Fall Semester grades.

So why not take it down from the beginning? Calendar hereby declares the tail end of the year MAYHEMber-Tyler Durden would be proud. It starts at the Delta Center (301 W. South Temple), when 97.1 ZHT’s Jingle Ball rings tonight inside the NuSkin Theatre. Intelligence reports tell us that Simple Plan, Bowling For Soup, and Switchfoot will be performing/gathered in the same place. We’ve also been informed that Christina Milian, Hilary Duff, and Vanessa Carlton will be in attendance. Tickets are $28.50 to $37.50, but that’s a petty price to pay to watch our army of killer (but irresistibly charming) ninjas storm the building, stop the music, and throw down.

After we’ve taken Duff and Carlton as prisoners of MAYHEMber, we’ll take them on a kind, accommodating tour of Salt Lake City, starting at Port O’ Call (78 W, 400 South) for College Night, where they’ll experience the spoil known to locals as the infamous $2.50 24 Oz. Big Ass Mug O’ Beer.

Of course, MAYHEMber respects the rights of all prisoners/misplaced dates: you can’t just impress a pop superstar with a bar-they need somewhere more distinguished to embarrass themselves in front of a large audience. Hence, the Pioneer Theatre Company’s (300 S. 1400 East) production of “Beauty and the Beast” which begins its run tonight at 7:30 p.m. Student tickets run from $11 to $18, which, to watch some beautiful girl get with some beastly, disgruntled jerk, is a little pricy. Why not just hit up Greek Row?

Because we’ve already got dates, that’s why. After sending our ninjas after Belle, we’re sneaking her and the others over to The Best Of American Cinema F-R-E-E film series, which starts at 7:30 p.m. in Room 1110 of LNCO. Tonight’s screening is of Alfred Hitchcock’s “North By Northwest,” which stars Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint of examples of what “class” started as. Even better, though, is the film series’ host, distinguished professor-in-residence John Schulian, who, among other feats, created “Xena: Warrior Princess.” Schulian-be prepared to hand her over. Warrior, certainly. But she won’t fight being the Princess of Calendar.

Especially when we take our (four-count them) dates to the Circle Lounge (328 S. State) for College Night, where $3 cocktails (see: sake bombs, away!) and late-night sushi will give them no choice but to stop being pop singers, belles, and warrior princesses, and start kicking it with our crew.

But…if all else fails (i.e., Delta Center security spoils our night early with a can of mace to the dome), we can always spend the night washing our laundry/ninja suits and planning for our next mission at Stonewash (247 S. 500 East) for $1 wash loads until midnight. Ah, the life of a mercenary. The first rule of Project MAYHEMber? Nobody talks about MAYHEMber. Or Chrismukkah. More to come…