So long suckers, I’m outta here!
No more East-Coast bias, liberal, opinionated rants coming from this space. From now on, The Chrony will be filling this space with psalms and pictures of flowers and babies to counteract all the angry, sacreligious remarks that have held sway over the past year and a half.
If I have any weekly readers besides my grandparents out there, then I hope you’re either ecstatic or disappointed about my departure, but if you’re indifferent then I have failed.
Either way, I can take solace in the few responses to my most offensive columns, some of which have asked for my job, while others have declared me the most ignorant human being on the planet. If you have similar feelings about me, I’m sorry to report that it’s too late for you to voice them, because I am leaving the country and the world of American Sports behind for an indefinite amount of time.
I know this sounds like a drastic decision, but it’s no different from Barry Sanders retiring from football in his prime. No different at all. The Red Sox just won the World Series, the Utes are undefeated and will apparently never be given the chance to prove themselves on a bigger stage, and the New York Giants are…and the Patriots are in the middle of a dynasty in an era of parity.
I’m just getting out while I’m on top, that’s all.
I know, I know, if you’ve ever read any of my columns you must be feeling betrayed. I’ve preached loyalty to sports teams at least 20 times, and it’s an underlying theme in the rest of my work, but like I said, I’m going out on top.
Ahh, who am I kidding, the real reason I’m leaving is because I have a Swedish girlfriend who refuses to leave Stockholm.
Some of you might still be appalled, that I would abandon my beloved Red Sox for a woman. So I would recommend that you reread the part about her being Swedish, take a look at my mug shot, (yeah, that’s me with the shark’s fin haircut,) and reconsider your position.
You know those guys you get pissed off at for having girlfriends that are infinitely better looking than they are? I’m one of those guys, and my girlfriend won’t read this so I’m not just saying that. I’m actually gloating. Yep, gloating like an insecure teenager.
If you’re still not appeased, if you think I’m selling out, rest assured I’m going to keep tabs on my teams, even if it requires completely rearranging my sleeping schedule. I’ve considered the following options: getting direct TV or digital cable and special ordering the MLB package for $150 plus fees. Then there’s the MLB TV package on MLB.com which goes for $3 a game, or the MLB Audio package for $21 for the whole season. There’s also a bar in Stockholm called O’Leary’s that has the Sox, Celtics, and Bruins logos emblazoned in the windows.
(Yes, I am well aware of the fact that considering this makes me somewhat of a loser.)
The main obstacle in my path toward keeping in touch with the Sox, and my other favorite sporting teams is the six-hour difference between Swedish time and Eastern Time in the United States. Meaning that Sox games beginning at 7 p.m. will begin at 1 a.m. in Sweden. I know it sounds like justification for a nasty drinking habit, but Sweden is a social democracy so they probably have some publicly funded program already set up for shmucks like me. Either that or they rely on their women as incentive for alcoholics to cure themselves, both options will work for me.
Well, I guess time is winding down on me here, but before I go I have to thank my editors, especially Danyelle White, for coming up with at least 75 percent of my headlines, and Sheena McFarland for tolerating my lackadaisical approach to deadlines. (I’m expecting a sweet letter of recommendation for that shout-out.)
I’d also like to thank my girlfriend for giving me the opportunity to see what a real democracy is like, and for getting me off this sinking ship before it hits rock bottom.
(What? Did you think I could leave without dropping one more obscenely out of place, hyper-liberal bombshell? Not a chance.)
So long everyone.
Goodbye and good luck.