Jan. 10Monday So what did you do over Winter Break? Calendar may or may not have lost a left hand in a saber fight and found out that our father, The Man, is the dark sith of the universe. You know, pretty usual stuff. But, hey-you’d think that would stop Calendar from bringing U (oh, that crafty, crafty letter) a constant and attractive listing of things to do when your head isn’t stuffed in a book. We come bearing a The Force of activities, a few New Year’s resolutions, and a deep-rooted desire to rid the sour taste of boredom from our mouth.
New Year’s Resolution No. 1: If there’s a draft, Calendar is making a ditch for Canada. It’s not draft dodging, per se, if we just switch our nationality and dedicate our service to the Maple Leaf, is it? We mean, we’ll fight in any dispute (like that will ever happen…) that Canada ever gets in and a little Northerly movement never hurt anyone trying to keep his or her ass affixed to the rest of his or her body. Sorry people, but Iraq doesn’t have a single Starbucks and Canada has better prescription drugs than Mexico. So…Canada it is. You can help us check out our future real estate prospects by going to watch “Canada’s National Parks” at Kingsbury Hall (1395 E. Presidents’ Circle) tonight at 7:30 pm as part of the “University Film Travel Series.” Tickets are $6.50 and you can pick them up at any ArtTix outlet.
New Year’s Resolution No. 2: Go country. Life is simple for those people: booze, depression, misogyny, America. God bless. Besides, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em right? Then you kill them from the inside, or so goes the mission of Halfacre Gunroom, a bunch of nerdy-lookin’ cowpunks from the “black heart of Memphis, Tenn.,” who have come to play “dark, melancholy, country rock and roll” that is “powerful, personal and often pissed.” We think this one speaks for itself: if you’re not with Halfacre Gunroom, you’re against Halfacre Gunroom (and you’ll be shot for treason against rock and roll. After all, the band does have half an acre…). Check it out tonight at Ego’s (668 S. State St.) at 9:30 pm and don’t forget your ID-this one’s 21 and older.
New Year’s Resolution No. 3: Get a new girlfriend. You all can watch Calendar when the new season of “The Bachelorette” premieres tonight on ABC at 8 pm. We’ll be the guy in the tuxedo…that holds the room up at swordpoint and steals the girl after swinging in on the chandelier to “Cherry Pie.” Word to your poodle.
Well, it’s either that, or not have a girlfriend at all-we can always sit around and laugh with the rest of the drunk goons who pretend to get the jokes in Monty Python’s “Life of Brian” (reissue) at Brewvies (677 S. 200 West), which is playing there all week. Tickets are either $2 or $4 for each show time, but you must have a valid 21 and older ID to get in it. Led by a star? Led by a bottle, you mean.