Top 10 Magic 8 Ball predictions for 2005

No. 1: The Utah football team repeats as Mountain West Conference Champions.

The question marks are big and bold, but new head coach Kyle Whittingham and offensive coordinator Andy Ludwig say they will tailor the offense to highlight the abilities of the players they have. Let’s hope they find ways to exploit quarterback Brian Johnson’s talents, as well as outstanding running back Quinton Ganther’s abilities. Just remember this: Whittingham is highly respected among players and for the past decade has brought great defensive play to Utah teams, proving he knows stability and consistency. Against the usual Mountain West contenders, especially if the teams are like 2004’s, a repeat is a likely possibility.

No. 2: Iraqi elections will be a success.

The definition of success in the upcoming Jan. 30 elections will be as broad as the opinions about the war. I say the Iraqi people realize their opportunity to determine their own destiny, whether Shiite or Sunni.

I think the chance for some sort of democracy and freedom is enough for them to risk the threats from insurgents. I think the people will go out and vote.

Enough of a majority will occur and make the elections valid. This will not cure everything overnight, but will begin the slow process of bringing down the insurgency.

January 2005 will see the height of insurgent bombing, but also the long, meticulous process of developing a democratic state.

If I’m wrong, and I could be, 2005 could see the downward spiral of Iraq into a massive violent civil war.

No. 3: Barry Bonds is tested weekly for steroids and still leads the league in home runs, walks and batting average.

He’s the best modern baseball player, maybe greatest all-time, even without his questionable knowledge of the Cream and the Clear. Enough said.

No. 4: The Utah Republican

Party collapses under its own internal fighting and factions.

Most people who vote Republican consider themselves moderate independents, but the party is run by far-right-wing ideologues.

Hopefully this is the year their exclusive club is infiltrated by people who think with their heads, not their close-minded beliefs.

Remember a couple of years ago when they booed then-Governor Leavitt and Senator Hatch? That kind of arrogance doesn’t last long in politics and their time is coming. Let’s hope this is the year.

No. 5: Michael Moore and Sean Hannity agree to a duel using 18th century pistols, but oddly enough, no one cares.

Maybe this is just a dream, but maybe this year Americans will stop paying money to see or listen to loud-mouthed, mean-spirited, fact-bending, divisive characters.

Wait, someone just pinched me and I woke up. Damn…

No. 6: People realize “American Idol” is just glorified karaoke and stop watching.

For that matter, let’s hope reality TV on all levels is rejected. If not, our culture may actually find a way to sink even deeper into the stupefied abyss of Paris Hilton and Donald Trump.

No. 7: The university’s new

Accommodation Policy confuses professors and students in all areas of study.

At the risk of offending anyone’s religious views, let me say this while I have the chance: God lives/ bastard, ass, son-of-a-bitch, damn/ Darwin was right.

No. 8: The FCC fines television stations for showing horses without proper clothing.

The Federal Communications Commission caves into the four complaints they were “flooded” with by wackos with too much time on their hands and sexual repression in their brains.

They declare that all animals, from squirrels to humans, cannot show anything more than ankles, wrists, and two inches of the neck on network television.

No. 9: The Daily Utah Chronicle becomes the most-read document on campus.

Come on, you know you love us.

No. 10: President Bush replaces two Supreme Court Justices.

Chief Justice William Rehnquist and one other will retire and Bush will put two moderates onto the Supreme Court. He will also promote Justice Antonin Scalia to Chief Justice.

Bush will get his conservative Chief Justice, but be forced by filibuster-happy Democrats to appoint two moderates without a history involving abortion rulings.

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