Jan. 19WednesdaySo Calendar hears that a bunch of “Mountain-Chic” A-listing P.I.B. (persons-in-block, for those not in the know) are headed our way. Objective 1: Break up Bradifer. Status: Accomplished. Objective 2: Move in on the now Brad-less Jennifer. Status: Underway. Objective 3: Go to all the funerals. Status: wait…who died? Funerals, my lord?

Yes, son, funerals. Why the hell do you think they’re all dressed in black? It sure has nothing to do with fashion-those fools just look dumb in their nine layers of North Face apparel, Prada mittens and Ugg boots. Ugg is right. Tragic? We think so….Speaking of “tragic” and “black”…Tragic Black plays tonight in Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) at 7 p.m. Aren’t we just the luckiest Calendar alive? Sometimes our diatribes just write themselves.

And more pagan fun comes to you yet again from FOX television when the premiere of the already shark-jumping, paradoxically named television show in the history of the universe, “Point Pleasant” makes it’s big, fat, Satanic debut tonight on FOX at 8 p.m. “Pleasant” revolves around a half-devil woman’s search for her mortal mother that turns a quiet beach town in New Jersey into a battleground between good and evil. Wait…since when did anybody ever think New Jersey was anything but a satanic battleground? Joey Buttafuoco guest stars. Seriously? Murdoch, you’ve outdone yourself yet again.

Again, speaking of “pagan,” here’s something The Man will surely embrace: House Music Hump Day at Todd’s Bar & Grill (1051 S. 300 West), featuring $1 Virgins’ Blood (drafts) and $4 Cauldrons (pitchers). By 9 p.m. Calendar expects to see all of you headed down Easy Street en route to the Long, Winding Road to Hell. Godspeed.

Not like College Night at Port O’ Call (78 W, 400 South) is much different: talk about the Long, Winding Road to Drunken Sentimentality. Calendar note: drink responsibly. Beware the combover crowd.