Jan. 20ThursdayYou know what Calendar would do with billions of billions of dollars? We would buy a big, multi-trillion-dollar corporation, and make up this TV show where we would find the most evil, shameless, money-hungry souls on planet Earth, and put the most stupid person we know at the helm, pretending he was our CEO.

We’d then lead our “contestants” on for weeks and weeks, letting them think they were going to take over our company-for free-after completing life-threatening challenge after life-threatening challenge. Then, on the series finale, we dump leeches on them. Yes, leeches. The “contestant” with the least amount of blood in them wins. And you know what we tell them after letting the audience in on the fact that our company has been part of an ongoing SEC investigation-one that’s probably going to put us all in prison- since it’s inception? “You’re fired.” “The Apprentice” makes its third season premiere tonight on NBC at 7:30 p.m.

What do physics and rock and roll have to do with one another? Calendar, of course. Which is why you shouldn’t be surprised when Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) and everyone inside of it spontaneously combusts into micro-particles tonight around 7 p.m. when Electro-Magnetism takes the stage. Hey-watch where you stick that magnet, Sartain.

What do tragedies and parties have to do with one another? Other than The O.C. (FOX, 7 p.m.)? Nothing, but Americans, and the Cohens, sure know how to make it work. Take the Presidential Inauguration that happens today at noon in Washington D.C. for instance. Or, you could simply refer to the Gateway Mall (12 S. 400 West) from 6 to 9 p.m. at the Virgin Megastore, where 13th Ave., the Matt Lewis Band, and JW Blackout will all perform to raise money for tsunami victims via the American Red Cross.

When things get tragic for us, Calendar just sits down at the piano, plays a pretty song or two, and then slumps over in self-pity and depraved alchoholism (reminder: a non-inflamed liver is a happy liver. Drink responsibly) before being rolled by Piata-wielding thugs (because the bat is just too clichd) on the long crawl back home just so we can make it to the stairs, fall down them and spend the rest of the night soaked in lukewarm toilet water. College Night at piano-bar Cabana Club (31 E. 400 South) is tonight, as is College Night at Cheers To You (315 S. Main).