Jan. 24Monday

Calendar’s mother once told us: “You can have your cake and eat it, too.” She then proceeded to ground us for a week for eating our own cake. Wench that she was, Calendar still loves her. What we can’t get over, though, is our borderline-neurotic phobia of the fluffy, evil, evil pastry-that which has tainted our short-lived birthday party entertainment service’s reputation after generally freaking out lots of 6-year-olds. Notably, Park City’s Suede (1612 Ute Blvd. at Kimball Junction) has upped the security for the Cake concert tonight at 8 p.m. Tickets are $30, Smith’sTix has them. But you can’t eat them. That’d be bad.

Did you know: Calendar has gone by many names over the years? It’s true. In Spain, we’re “los Guapo Diablo.” In France? “Les Calendar Terribles.” In Canada? “Calendaryeah.” And downtown? “Stop! Freeze! Put down the goose!” Sticks and stones may break our bones, but police brutality will never hurt Calendar-especially after that “punitive damages” check comes through the mail. The AKA’s, playing tonight at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) might be able to relate to this whole name-dilemma. Show starts at 7 p.m, tickets are $8 (24tix.com). Also known as…Another Lo-Fi Band? Hey-we get it.

There’s at least one name, though, that people all across the world hear and together unanimously think the same things- “schizzles” and “dizzles,” our “nizzles;” gin, juice, six in the mornin’; women (and the non-objectification of…); and, of course: “the chronic”-whatever that is. And we thought Snoop Dogg was referring to our newspaper. Oh, Snoop, you scalawag, you. The Man himself will be dropping it like it’s hot tonight at Park City’s Harry O’s (427 Main St.). Best way to get in: groupie love. Because the truth? Even we can’t handle the truth: tickets to Snoop Dogg’s Harry O’s performance aren’t available to the general public.

Girls against boys, hard bodies, brainless “challenges” filled with endless sexual innuendo, enough so to build up internal group tensions that let loose once touched by even a single drop of the sauce? Wait, wait-these “lightweights” get voted off, too? We’ve never seen anything like MTV’s Road Rules/Real World Challenge: Battle of the Sexes, which has its season finale tonight at 8 p.m.

Also tonight, Agent Jack Bauer is going to blow something up, then someone is going to shoot his key witness and kidnap his dog, who’ll betray the location of the President’s munchie supply closet to the “terrorists” that-ironically enough-play on American fears and stereotypes of Muslisms as criminal extremists by being, of course, Islamic Extremists. And that’s all in the first 10 minutes? Hell, if Fox can’t get people to watch 24 (tonight, 8 p.m.)…Monkeys. Typewriters. Basements. Word.