Where the Calendars have no name

Jan. 25TuesdayKISS army, look out: Your new mortal enemies have emerged from the transgender New York New-Wave glam rock cesspool that shows no fear of “performance art” and comes stock with a keyboardist/bassist named Babydaddy? We kid not-take the Scissor Sisters, performing tonight at Park City’s Suede (1612 Ute Blvd. in Kimball Junction) very, very seriously. On one hand, they did make the Rolling Stone’s Top 50 Records of 2004 list. On the other, how rock and roll is a skin-and-bones junkie-chic hipster who occasionally defies gender-specific fashion rules? We give in…it’s pretty rock and roll. Tickets are $20, doors open around 8 p.m. Ages 21 and up only, and Smith’sTix sells them. Oh, Smith’s. Sell them you will.

Calendar has no problem with a drunken Irishman-our father was one, our great-grandfather was one, and hell, we even employ a few. What we do have a problem with, though, is the drunken-Irishman who gets kicked out of every bar on the Sunset Strip reeking of whiskey and Marlboro reds only to land high-paying roles that almost consistently denote miserable acting and higher-profile celebrity “affairs” with pop stars like…well, everyone. Maybe someone will finally teach Colin Farrell a lesson on “Scrubs” (NBC, 9 p.m.) when he guest stars tonight.

Nelly Furtado, songstress behind “I’m Like A Bird” and “Turn Off The Light,” will, unfortunately, not be coming to Salt Lake City. Instead, Furtado’s long-lost brother and crooner behind “I’m Like A Water Buffalo,” Tony Furtado will be appearing tonight at Shaggy’s Velvet Room (155 W. 200 South) sometime after the doors open at 7:30 p.m. Tickets are $12-Smith’sTix stole them from a family of cold, sad, homeless kittens, so you have to buy them from those folks now.

Actually, Tony Furtado is a bluegrass singer. We had high hopes. A&E’s very own Fact Boy shot them down. So now we’re throwing cue cards at Fact Boy’s head! Run, Fact-Boy! Run!

But as Fact Boy also pointed out, we don’t really know too many people who listen to bluegrass, and anybody that listens to bluegrass would surely know who Furtado is, thus giving closure to Fact Boy’s diatribe: our false pretense about Furtado simply Dusn’t Matter…are playing tonight at Kilby Court (741 S. 330 West) around 7 p.m. Tickets are $5. Brilliance of not-so-subtle segue into this entry? F-r-e-e. Fact Boy redeems himself yet again.