Calendar Eat World

Feb. 1Tuesday

February and Calendar have a love-hate relationship. We love a month with only 28 days that, every several years, tacks another day on the tail end of it just to screw with people’s heads…which is akin to us adding silent Q’s and X’s to our name every couple of days. If you actually thought we pronounced it KWAL-END-EX-ER, then you’ve got something else coming, Moron.

But why do we hate February? For one, it’s just weak on the holiday range: Valentine’s Day, where we get bombarded with “escort” requests (what’s with a little extra side cash from the romantically depraved?) and President’s Day…where we get bombarded with escort requests. What’s so wrong with Laura, G?…Oh. Oh. We get it. You might want to seek out some help today at the Women’s Resource Center from 12 p.m.-1 p.m. where the “What is Polyamory?” lecture will answer questions about a lifestyle that generally implies maintaining “multiple intimate relationships that are often sexual.”

If that’s not Arts and Entertainment, we’ve got no idea what is. Either that, or you just don’t know how to get down. Besides, if you don’t get down, then we have to enact Plan B: The Contingency Plan, playing Kilby Court (741 South, 330 West) tonight with No Motiv at 5:30 p.m. What lends itself to abstinence more than local-mall-punk? Like that doesn’t have a mo-ti”v”…one that’ll land you in a Fed-Pen as fish-bait for the big biters. All for jailbait? Not worth our pride. Or Calendar’s…(cough)…back-width. Tickets are $5-$7 at the door.

Boy: what’chu got in that BAG? What do you keep in that BAG? We suspect that the Jansportets, playing tonight at Salt Lake City’s premiere hipster-watering-hole Todd’s Bar and Grill (1051 S. 300 West) around 8 p.m. might have a sound idea. We didn’t know you could ship crushed male-eyeliner in kilos…until now. We didn’t know you could bump it, either. Until now. 21 and older only, please. We wouldn’t want any of you freshmen to confuse a bar with a place you can actually get drunk. Welcome to Salt Lake City, by the way.

What do “Moesha” and brain hemorrhages have in common? Other than anybody who actually watches UPN? Brandy guest stars on a “special” episode of “House” (8 p.m. on FOX) tonight. Watch for the remix: “The Boy (And His Bad Case Of The Ghon) Is Mine.” You don’t even have to tell us: tasteless.

What kind of “tribe” engages in ritualistic ceremonies involving laser light shows and countless hippies stoned out of their gourds? Hell, what legitimate kind doesn’t? Dances With Wolves, meet Dances With Glowsticks. And Amphetamines. Sound Tribe Sector 9 will be exercising the demons of responsibility and accountability when they summon the gods of Mota and Cerveza tonight at Park City’s Suede (1612 Ute Blvd. at Kimball Junction). Tickets are $15 and doors open at 8 p.m. 21 and up, because Suede tries keeping Park City’s drug-dealing population outside of the venue. Community service? At least it serves somebody.