Feb. 18Friday

Wait, wait, wait…yes, we just called ourselves that. No, we won’t explain. But then again, we don’t need to-because tonight and tomorrow (Saturday) night, at Kingsbury Hall (1395 E. Presidents’ Circle) Eve Ensler’s “The Vagina Monologues” have come around the mountain in the form of a benefit production, and they’re here to engulf you in a whole lot of…vagina. The pro-womyn shows will be raising money for local and national organizations aimed at preventing violence to women and young girls with the cash they rake in from ticket sales: $25 for the general public, $15 for U Students (two-ticket limit) from Arttix.org or the Kingsbury Hall Box Office. Shows start at 7:30 p.m. Vagina on.

Friends and Fans of Hockey-we pity you. Not that you don’t already live in dark, swampy, muddy holes, but now you have all the less reason to come out of them since the NHL won’t be handing over the Stanley Cup for the first time in 85 years (and since-yes, it’s true-Gordon Bombay hasn’t be coaching Pacey and the rest of those wholesome brats for years now…).

Here’s to hoping all those NHL fans (and heavyweight boxing fans), who we only hope can find some saving grace in the AHL’s Utah Grizzlies (13-34), who’ll be facing off against the San Antonio Rampage tonight ($1 Pepsi/$1 Hot Dog Night) and tomorrow night (Post-Game Skate Night) at 7 p.m. at the E-Center (3200 S. Decker Lake Dr. in West Valley City). Tickets range from $8 to $30 from Smith’sTix outlets everywhere…or wherever.

Back in the day, when Calendar could sit at the kid’s table without looking like a pedophile, things were different. But not that different-just like now, there was this big kid, went by the name of Big D, and he’d always come by and pick Calendar up by our suspenders and shake us down. Jerk. So one day Calendar ambushed Big D, stuck him in a flaming trash can and rolled his big ass down a big-ass hill. Long story short, we never heard from Big D again.

So imagine our surprise when we saw that Big D and the Kids Table would be playing tonight at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple) with Victory Records’ River City Rebels. Tickets are $15 from Smith’sTix, and the “show” starts at 7 p. m. Big D, you better watch your b-b-back, sucka.

Feb. 19SaturdaySadomasochistic Man-haters: tonight’s your night. As we mentioned before, you can either head down to Kingsbury Hall for your Saturday night fill of misandry/performance of The Vagina Monologues, or the E-Center for Saturday night’s Utah Grizzlies game, the second in a series of two against the San Antonio Rampage for some skull-meets-stick action starring Utah’s most “professional” hockey players.

But if that isn’t enough to quench your Godsmacking ways, take your 4×4 or dirt bike or whatever it is you vampires drive these days, and make your way to the Ultimate Combat Experience at the Utah State Fairpark (155 N. 1000 West) to watch the dumbest people on Earth smash each others brains in. A couple of thousand of years ago, we hear they did this for free. It was called ‘natural selection.’

Feb. 20SundaySunday, ah, yes, Sunday. A day for church. A day for reflection. A day of rest. A day for Exploding F*** Dolls.

Any band with a name like the Exploding F*** Dolls (who is playing with Duane Peters Sunday night) might be worth catching, if anything, to see if it actually lives up to its moniker. If so-the band’s hired. Calendar’s niece Little Suzie has been playing with Malibu Barbie and JAP-tastic Stacy for way too long now (“Put the Prada bag DOWN!” was where it crossed the line). Suzie-Q, here’s to you: switch it up. $12 at 7 p.m. in Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple). Tickets from Smith’s***.

Speaking of church: NBA All-Star Game, Sunday night at 6 p.m., NBC. Our boy LeBrizzle is about to bring down the dunk contest hizzle, for schizzle. But our bookie gave us -10 on the West All Stars and we’ve got some serious cash/limbs riding on this one-so here’s to hoping O’Neal (Jermizzle) goes off again…to the stands.