Calendar in the mirror

Feb. 23Wednesday

Remember that Michael Jackson video with the giant 50-foot tin statue bearing dude’s likeness? Yeah you do-the thing was being paraded through the streets of Europe to throngs of devotees in worship. We always thought you Kazakhstanis were a little kooky, but as it turns out, you just don’t get VH1. Or BET. Or a clue.

Because if you did, you’d know (1) that our boy Big Tig sold out ‘Tha’ Basement and (2) that Michael Jackson isn’t just the King of Pop-he’s the King of Heteromorphic Weirdness (and Bleach and Pop-Goes-The-Weasel), and that he might be the biggest freak this side of Flavor Flav, The Bearded Lady and that guy on Letterman who ate 6,000 someodd oysters the other night. Learn the truth about the most not-so-Smooth Criminal around (and really, when you’ve diddled every former child actor in the greater L.A. Area, can you-seriously-not expect word to get out…?) tonight when VH1 airs “Michael Jackson’s Secret Childhood” (5 p.m.) or when BET airs “The Jacksons: An American Dream” (6 p.m.). If only the man had just stuck to…

…porn. Oh, porn. Where would every 13-year-old kid with a cable modem be without you? Calendar put Calendar Jr.’s AOL account on lockdown ever since he started getting those “XXX! Hot Llama-on-Llama 3-Plus Amateur Web cam Action!” e-mails. Those go to our in-box, son. Some born-again Christian (no lie) named Michael Leahy is going to go off on our nation’s pastime-porn-with his perv-hunting presentation of “Porn Nation: The Naked Truth” tonight from 7-8:15 p.m. in the Olpin Student Union’s Saltair Room. Hard statistic: 99.9 percent of surveyed men who have instant access to porn (i.e., everyone) gave it a “look-see.” The other 0.1 percent is actually dead.

Wanna know how Calendar figured out they were dead? We told them to “grab your balls and rack ’em!” (Bam! More chutzpah!), and they just sat there. Apparently, dead guys don’t care that there’s a Billiards Tournament tonight in the Union Game Room from 6 p.m. to midnight. 8-Ball, double elimination.

Want to see the largest amassing of non-talent since The Polyphonic Spree started drafting unemployed NHL players (we said ‘non-talent.’ Is it entertaining? Hell yes)? Tune in to “American Idol” (FOX, 8 p.m.) tonight to look for the guy in the back of the crowd trying to hang himself. That’d be us. With barbed wire.

Tough, huh? You know Calendar used to be in a gang, right? Word up, homie-we called ourselves The Minstrels, and we were a merry motherf******* band indeed. We were feared throughout the countryside, and though we were more inclined to bust a soliloquy in your ass than a cap, make no mistake-The Minstrel Clan ain’t nothin’ to f*** with, G!

Unfortunately, The Clan parted ways after we served time for putting the ‘slam’ in ‘poetry slam’-they used to sound like William Shatner with a bad acting coach, now they sound like William Shatner with a bad acting coach and a busted larynx-so we’re looking for a new crew. We may have found it in Honkie Tonk Home-Slice with the Hot Buttered Rum String Band (who’ve also jumped in Bill Nershi of The String Cheese Incident) tonight at Ego’s (668 S. State). Tickets are $15, show starts at 9 p.m. and it’s open only to those 21 and older because Honkie don’t play that, son.

It’s really too bad that politically charged rapper Sage Francis isn’t one for partisanship-Michael Savage, Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter could all use a little brush-up on their MC skills ever since Anderson Cooper started drinking Pimp Juice, and Larry King was caught screaming at former Secretary of State Madeline Albright to “skeet, skeet” on the windows or something. Instead of ‘Hannity and Colmes’, it’d be ‘Hannity and Holmes! (Boyeeee!).’

But the man is only for hire by the think tank at Lo-Fi Caf (165 S. West Temple), where Sage Francis will bust a ‘fair and balanced’ rhyme or two tonight at 7 p.m. Tickets are $15 from Smith’sTix.